OH! ...

OH! YEA! Crystal has icons now! And I'm so good cuz I made two of them! Yea! Ok, so, there nothing really special or anything, but the big thing is I'm so ditzy that I don't know how I figured this icon deal out. I still haven't figured most of it out, but it's cool. I'm just fine with what I have here. I need to make a DHS icon, and a State icon, and some creative ones. Creativity rocks! Anyway, I'm tired. Can you believe it?? I'm tired! I want a guy. I really really do. I'm starting to get desperate for a guy, here. I'm starting to think just about anyone will be okay. I did say just about didn't I? Okay. There are many guys that just won't be okay. Anyone I am related to will just not work out. Anyone that I can't stand will just not work out. Like Brett. He's okay, cute and all, but I'd murder him becuase of his accent. Aaron, I'd be just fine with him. He's pretty, and I know what I could do to shut him up. Easily. Sean won't work, because I'd feel like I was using and abusing, because he's such a good friend. Um...I don't know many other guys. Terrance is all over Nysha these days, Matt C. is completely taken aback by Nikida. I'm related to the rest of the Harts guys, and the other Upward Bound people are all black. Which, I have nothing against black people, it's just, you know. My parents...yea, they wouldn't like that. Not at all.Well, this entry is no where near as long as others that I have written, but I have nothing to write about the subject I usually write about. I don't want to write about the little bit that has happened anyway. I just want him to choke on something. Still can't stand him. Ugh.

I don't ...

I don't know what I feel. Feelings aren't meant to be understood though. I want to copy and paste some parts of our instant message that I found...interesting to say the least. They've confused me, quite a bit. I know I can't do anything about it. I know I shouldn't care, or even acknowledge it. I know that I shouldn't be writing this. But getting my feelings out there makes it easier for them to subside. The faster they subside, the faster I can go back to avoiding and denying. I enjoy avoiding and denying. Two of the things I do best.CholericCadence9 [2:44 AM]: I drove home from Madison today, and my dad took me driving on Mud River after that! CholericCadence9 [2:44 AM]: And I can get my liscense this week! Thadman34 [2:45 AM]: wow! Thadman34 [2:45 AM]: thats.........unexpected CholericCadence9 [2:45 AM]: and the car is in one piece, with no dents and no scratches, and I didn't hit anything Thadman34 [2:45 AM]: thats amazing Thadman34 [2:46 AM]: lol Thadman34 [2:46 AM]: i knew you could CholericCadence9 [2:46 AM]: it's not really Thadman34 [2:46 AM]: i know ____________________________Thadman34 [3:23 AM]: i have a question CholericCadence9 [3:23 AM]: yes? Thadman34 [3:23 AM]: r u ready CholericCadence9 [3:23 AM]: for what? Thadman34 [3:23 AM]: r u sure your ready? Thadman34 [3:23 AM]: for the question CholericCadence9 [3:23 AM]: was that the question? Thadman34 [3:23 AM]: no Thadman34 [3:23 AM]: ok ok CholericCadence9 [3:23 AM]: ok, lol, sure, I'm ready Thadman34 [3:24 AM]: sure?? CholericCadence9 [3:24 AM]: yea Thadman34 [3:24 AM]: ok ............. Thadman34 [3:24 AM]: damn it Thadman34 [3:24 AM]: i forgot Thadman34 [3:24 AM]: lol ___________________________Thadman34 [3:29 AM]: i know my question now CholericCadence9 [3:29 AM]: ok CholericCadence9 [3:29 AM]: ask away Thadman34 [3:29 AM]: ask what Thadman34 [3:29 AM]: oh that question CholericCadence9 [3:29 AM]: Thadman34 [3:29 AM]: i know my question now Thadman34 [3:30 AM]: uhhhhhh Thadman34 [3:30 AM]: dang Thadman34 [3:30 AM]: oh well CholericCadence9 [3:30 AM]: you forgot again didn't you? Thadman34 [3:31 AM]: well actually yes and no CholericCadence9 [3:31 AM]: ok, whatever ________________________________Thadman34 [3:46 AM]: crystal Thadman34 [3:47 AM]: i have a question CholericCadence9 [3:47 AM]: yes? that's my name....well, my given name....ok, sounds kinda serious.... Thadman34 [3:47 AM]: its not that serious CholericCadence9 [3:47 AM]: ok Thadman34 [3:48 AM]: would u get mad if i went to bed now?? i mean u r bored and all so well u know CholericCadence9 [3:48 AM]: i don't care... CholericCadence9 [3:48 AM]: I'm not controlling your actions CholericCadence9 [3:48 AM]: but did you ever figure out the question you wanted to ask me? Thadman34 [3:49 AM]: actually well you do have the controller right now Thadman34 [3:49 AM]: no CholericCadence9 [3:49 AM]: before that? no I don't CholericCadence9 [3:49 AM]: ok Thadman34 [3:49 AM]: right now u do CholericCadence9 [3:49 AM]: no I don't Thadman34 [3:49 AM]: yes u do CholericCadence9 [3:49 AM]: no I don't CholericCadence9 [3:50 AM]: I'm not arguing about this Thadman34 [3:50 AM]: to a limited point YES YOU DO Thadman34 [3:50 AM]: ok then i win CholericCadence9 [3:50 AM]: no I don't Thadman34 [3:50 AM]: good deal Thadman34 [3:50 AM]: lol CholericCadence9 [3:50 AM]: I dont' have control....I'm not telling you what to do Thadman34 [3:50 AM]: ok ok CholericCadence9 [3:50 AM]: And even if I did, you wouldn't listen, you never do Thadman34 [3:50 AM]: yes i would and yes i do CholericCadence9 [3:50 AM]: no Thadman34 [3:51 AM]: not always but i do CholericCadence9 [3:51 AM]: I have things I could say to that, but I'm not going to say them because I don't want to get into a big argument/talk/fight/anything else.... Thadman34 [3:52 AM]: ok Thadman34 [3:52 AM]: thanks Thadman34 [3:52 AM]: your the only person that would say that well that i know anyhow Thadman34 [3:52 AM]: all the others would argue CholericCadence9 [3:52 AM]: I hate fighting.... CholericCadence9 [3:53 AM]: I always have... Thadman34 [3:53 AM]: so thank you CholericCadence9 [3:53 AM]: confrontation sucks Thadman34 [3:53 AM]: i know Thadman34 [3:53 AM]: ok since i can barely see now im gonna go to bed ok CholericCadence9 [3:53 AM]: ok Thadman34 [3:54 AM]: good bye and good night CholericCadence9 [3:54 AM]: night _________________________________Thadman34 [3:56 AM]: yeah Thadman34 [3:56 AM]: well CholericCadence9 [3:57 AM]: you should be getting offline now... Thadman34 [3:57 AM]: goodnight Crystal Nichole Roberts CholericCadence9 [3:57 AM]: why my full name? Thadman34 [3:57 AM]: i donno CholericCadence9 [3:58 AM]: ok, w.e., talk to ya....uh...whenever Thadman34 [3:58 AM]: damn it CholericCadence9 [3:58 AM]: what? Thadman34 [3:58 AM]: i just realized something CholericCadence9 [3:58 AM]: what? Thadman34 [3:58 AM]: im an idiot Thadman34 [3:58 AM]: lol CholericCadence9 [3:58 AM]: well, yea, i know that Thadman34 [3:58 AM]: lol Thadman34 [3:58 AM]: dont we all CholericCadence9 [3:58 AM]: so, what's new? Thadman34 [3:58 AM]: nothing CholericCadence9 [3:59 AM]: ok CholericCadence9 [3:59 AM]: whatever you say Thadman34 [3:59 AM]: i dont wanna talk about it Thadman34 [3:59 AM]: sorry CholericCadence9 [3:59 AM]: ok Thadman34 [3:59 AM]: GOOD NIGHT CRYSTAL CholericCadence9 [3:59 AM]: g'night _______________________________He drives me friggin' crazy. I over-analyze everything. I know, and I need to stop, especially when it comes to him. I don't want to let him drive me crazy, but we all know that I have that stupid little habit of letting people get to me. I need to find a cure for that. But why does it take you three or four times saying goodbye before you get offline??And the question? All I got out of him was:Thadman34 [3:31 AM]: u know it well what it is about but dont know how to ask it CholericCadence9 [3:31 AM]: ok...i don't really know what it's about... I really have no clue what it was about. No clue whatsoever! And I didn't push the subject, because as much as I want to know what it is, I don't want to change how things are now. I mean, sure I'm freaking out over every little thing that we talk about, but at least now I can partially deny that anything is going on between us. And I can also hold onto the fact that the little things that he says and does proves that he's still hooked on me. But I've not got a thing to do with it. Nothing at all. But I still want to know what I supposedly know. I don't know a whole lot, you know? I'm pretty stupid. I think this situation proves that. But am I reading too much into this?? I miss talking to him. Online is the only way I can talk to him. I mean, he was one of my best friends for two years before all this crap started. Now I miss that. That's exactly what I was afraid of in the beginning. Losing our friendship. And I told him. And he said, "There was only one of my ex girlfriends that I'm not best friends with, and we're not that bad of friends." And I knew I couldn't do that. In the beginning, I knew that if he did anything to hurt me, I'd never be able to completely forgive him, or trust him again. Never. And I don't think I will. Because I cared so much about him. When I was with him, the rest of the world was gone. It was like Lena blew up the rest of the world, and it was just us two. Standing on that little plot of land. Hell, when we would kiss, the world could've ended, and I would've never known it. I lost all senses when I was in contact--any kind of contact--with him. I miss that. I want a new guy that I can get lost in. Just someone I can make out with for a few hours a week. I'd be happy.

...

I'm writing this for myself, and myself only. If it's not put under private, it'll be a miracle. I don't like private that much, though. I think I would be a good celebrity, only because I hate secrets and hiding so much. Though I would be too nervous to try.Anyway, I just wanted to write, to ponder my thoughts, to allow a freestyle thought process. If I don't allow myself to write it down, I just get confused. I get confused a lot though. As I am right now. I'm not quite sure what I'm confused about. I want to do so much, but keep telling myself, "That won't be accepted. That's not allowed. That's wrong." but the other side of me is saying, "Screw right and wrong, who's to say it's not allowed, and What do you care if those people don't accept it?" But I do care, and that's what's gotten me confused in the first place. Of course this is all dealing with the one and only ass. I don't think I still care for him like I did. I know it could come back, if I allowed it, but that's just it: I'm not allowing it. So, shouldn't I feel powerful? Shouldn't I feel like I'm in control? Well, I don't. I feel like it's everyone else controlling everything. The feelings I have are pushed upon me, the thoughts that enjoy running through my head are not my own, and the actions I am taking are not those that I am wanting to take. I still want to get him alone, to ask him these questions I keep supressing. I want to ask him if he's happy, if he still cares for me at all. I want to ask him what he was going to say to me at the dance. I want to talk to him like we used to be able to talk, and I want to flirt and act like I used to. But that's not accepted. We've broken up and I've moved on. But as soon as I say hi to him, or giggle in his presence, I'm accused of still being in love with him. I'm told that I'm pathetic and hopeless. I just want it to end, but no one will allow it to. Do I sound a little bitter? It's because I am. No matter how much I don't want this to hurt, it will. It always will, because I cared so much, I let him have so much of me, and it was a total rejection, and he can give no reason whatsoever for it. He can't tell me, "She's prettier, she's nicer, she's smarter, she's better at something," because she's not, she's not any of those things. I'm much prettier! He said so himself, just over a week ago, the first time I've talked to him, and laughed, and had fun, and not tried to injure him, in a long time. I'm much nicer, I can tell from the way Mark talks about her. I'm much smarter, I think we ALL know that. (Check out the webpage: http://homepage.aol.com/lilmls) and I know that I'm better at everything. He told me that too. Not by my prodding, or asking, or even my egotistical boasting. He made it plain while he was trying to get me to fold his pants for him. All on his own, he said I "could do it the best." Of course, he was talking about the pants, but then he went on, as everyone started giggling, he said, "Well, that too, but..." I didn't ask for that, and I quickly folded the pants just to get the subject changed. I should've said something that would've killed him like, "And I've gotten much better at that since we broke up" or something. It would've shocked the shit out of him, and I would've loved it. But I don't really care. I can deal with it, and I can deal without it. I don't feel the need to hurt him and make him feel the pain I've went through. I don't feel the need to make him suffer. I don't see a real reason to make him suffer, because I'm not in all that much pain anymore.I'm just still curious. I want to know exactly what he told my mom, and I want to know what he was going to tell me at the dance. And I want to know why he gives me these little looks, and why he doesn't want me near sean, and....ugh, all these little things that I can never ask him because it will be considered an "I still love him move," when all I want to do is move on.He was online just a few minutes ago. I didn't realize for a long time, but I checked to see if there was anyone on that I would want to talk to, and I saw he was online. I wanted to im him. I wanted to ask him to teach me how to play chess, because I've got that and checkers and Reversi or something like that on my instant messanger, and those games don't take forever to load. I've always wanted to play chess, but since my brother tried to teach me, it's been painful to try. My brother loved (loves, not like he's dead or anything) chess, too. Sometimes I think it would be easier on my psychological and mental health if my brother was dead. But how horrible am I to think that? I'm a terrible person. I don't deserve to live.How easy is that to write? It's what I've been taught. I say someone should die, I automatically tell myself I'm horrible and don't deserve to live. It's like a reflex. I don't mean to do it, it's just moral to tell yourself you're better off dead. Great. Now I'm questioning societies ability to raise moral and healthy children. At 4 a.m. When I should be asleep. When I should actually be getting ready to wake up, if it were any normal day. But it's not. It's spring break. So I'm up at 4 a.m. pondering my feelings for a guy that I know I no longer care about, but don't know what is "allowed" for me to do around him. WHAT THE HECK?!Oh my gosh, I got off topic, didn't I? On One Tree Hill earlier (Last night?) Brooke and Payton and the rest of the girls on the cheer squad were in a competition. Well, since Payton helped Lucas cheat on Brooke, Brooke has decided that Payton isn't her best friend anymore. But at the cheer competition, Brooke and Payton were joking around and all this, just because they had called a cheer truce. I was not believing it for a second. It was ridiculous. There is no way that Brooke could've put that behind her so fast, if even for only a weekend. I would've still been wanting to punch Payton in the face. At the begining of the series, I wanted to punch Brooke, and Payton was that girl that you just had to say, "I know how ya feel, girl!" but now, I can't stand looking at Payton, and however much I still hate Brooke (Come on, her name is Brooke, which automatically reminds me of little miss Brook Harless. UGH!) I feel so sorry for Brooke, because Payton was her BEST FRIEND and the show never ever shows any of them with anyone else, so I'm thinking that she was her only friend. I don't know. I still want to punch Thaddeus. I want to just haul off and punch him as hard as I can. But I'm dissociating him. I'm making him two different people. The one that I dated, and the one I have to deal with on a day to day basis. I'm making everything go away, and it feels good, to not see the guy that hurt me, to not see the guy that made me weak with just his touch, even four months into the 'relationship', if you can even call it that.What hurts the most, though, was something that he said the other day. I was telling him that I may get the chance to go back to Florida and I said, "This time, I'll make it a much much better trip." His reply? "I don't know, I can't even remember a single thing that happened when we were in Florida."I couldn't even think of a decent response, or a comeback, or anything. I thought immediately, "He's saying that to hurt me. He can't have forgotten all of that." But then I realized, he could be serious. He is such a jerk that he could've forgotten the three moments that we shared and that have become so...monumental to me. He could have completely forgotten that he meant the world to me, and vice versa, at one point. I still think he could have said that to hurt me, but it's a fifty fifty. And it did hurt, very bad. It made me angrier than it hurt, though. I got mad that I allowed such a jerk to be my first kiss. My only kiss, at age 17, and he forgot that he gave it to me, he forgot where, when, everything. And I'm mad at myself because he's still the ONLY guy I've kissed. I don't want him to be. I want to kiss other guys, lots of other guys. I want to just once, though, right in front of him kiss another girl, just to make him mad. Because he was always begging me to, and I wouldn't. But I want him to understand fully that I'm the best girl he'll ever ever ever have in his arms, and he gave that up. I want him to suffer, emotionally now. Not physically, emotionally. He has NEVER suffered emotionally. He's a jock, a football jerk. The only pain he knows is physical. He doesn't understand feelings. The worst feeling he's ever had is an argument with his sister. Or when he had to break up with a girl in his eighth grade year. He cried on my shoulder. I was always the one he came to at school when he was upset. The we started dating and he never said anything to me. I know I ruined our friendship. I knew when we started going out that I would. I told him. In a letter, I still have it. He wrote back and said that only one of his relationships didn't end in the best of friends, and he was still okay friends with that girl. I told him that if we ended and I couldn't be around him, couldn't be freinds with him that it was all his fault.And now, I'm blaming that on myself too. Gosh, it just feels nice to get all of this out. I don't want to put it under private. Not that many people read this anyway. It's a nice long entry, everyone will get so very bored around the first few sentences. Who wants to read about little old me, anyway??

Okay, g...

Okay, going through my head right now??? EXERCISE, EXERCISE, EXERCISE!!! TAN, TAN TAN!!! EXERCISE! TAN! EXERCISE! TAN! So, what do I do?? I do two hundred situps in five minutes on my first night of exercise in three years...Smart, huh? Is two hundred too much? I think that since it's spring now, I'll start staying after to run. Yes, running should get me into some kind of shape. Also this thing I have with the sit ups. Something with the thighs. I hate my thighs. And my twiggy little arms. There's so little that someone could wrap their fingers around my biceps. I need to do something with my arms. My calves are pretty good. I'd like bigger boobs, but I doubt there's an exercise for that. But I'd like to flatten my tummy a little. I have love handles. Yes, I do admit it. I might look like a thin little slut, but my body is no where near in shape. I just have high metabolism. Which sucks, because that will go far far away some day and I'll be stuck with all this fat that my body isn't eating anymore. So me, eating? Won't happen. Not like it happens that often, anyway. I don't know. Maybe I'm just scared about college, and I know I can't control it, so I'm taking it out on my body. Shoot, I'm dark right now, though, comparatively.

Well, I...

Well, I don't really know what to say. I know that once I start, it will all just tumble out, but that would probably take hours. And hours. And hours. Maybe not, but it shall take some time because a lot has happened and a lot more will. There are so many questions in my life right now. Should I? Can I? WIll I? Will he? Can we? What will everyone else say? That one I'm not so worried about, just as long as the opinions and yelling and screaming are kept to a minimum. Maybe I can just type the biggest part and everyone will understand what I'm saying. Not like anyone but Lena reads this journal, but that's the way I like it. Thaddeus told my mother on Friday, during our band pictures, that he made a mistake and has broken up with her. And that he has much deeper feelings for me than he originally thought. So my brain explodes in anger and my heart jumps into my throat as I hear that from my mom on the way home. The worst part is that's not the first time that day that I heard the "Still has feelings for you" part. I'm not technically acknowledging it, though, not until it is said from his mouth to my ears. There's no use, and I'm not the one that shall talk first. He's told the entire world, basically. Everyone, including my mother! But until he says something straight to me, I'm not mentioning it, I'm not letting him even know that I know.I do love him, I always have, and I feel that I always will. But does hat mean that I can trust him? No. Will he succeed in making me trust him again? I don't know, because I don't know how I ever can. But I'm willing to try. That's the first time I've wrote/said that. I don't know if I'll be able to. I just this week was able to have an actual conversation with him. And it's been 2 months and 6 days, and 13 hours. Yes, I counted. I always do. I have a small obsession with it. Everyone is OCD in some way. This is mine. But he said he made a mistake. He knows he made his mistake, that I knew way back the day that we broke up. I just accepted that it was over. Just now. And now he doesn't want it to be. AUGH! I don't know waht to do!

I AmSoFr...

I AmSoFrigginBored.LifeIsSoFrigginBoring.IAmSoStupidAndUgly.

Wow. I haven'...

Wow. I haven't updated in so long (for good reason). I really don't know what to write. I'm doing so much better in my life. Well, in hiding in my life. Just two months of this torture left, I chant to myself as I sit on the big yellow transportation device that seniors should not be subjected to. I sit alone and sit alone and sit along, as I am surrounded by people. I don't fit in at that place and I don't think I want to. High school was always such a mystery and an allusion to me. I never saw the mean and the bratty and the stereotypical until now. But it's there, full blast. Even the ones who think they aren't, are. But I'm doing so much better in the romantic situation (or lack thereof). Sure, I still snap at him, and I still throw drumsticks at him, but he's the one who offered the ammunition. I don't know. I was able to hold a conversation with him and not cry after. That's a real first. And I'm so proud of myself for it. Like I told Sean, he was my first everything, and I'm always going to love him. But if he asked me to take him back right now, I couldn't. It's too late for us, and I knew that when we broke up. I didn't want to believe it, but I already knew. Making myself understand that was the biggest problem. I miss having him around, I miss talking to him, I miss kissing him, and even doing the other things that everyone else is so repulsed by. (I didn't find it so repulsive.)But I know that I wasn't the problem. That was another of the big problems. I thought I had done something, I was the cause of it. But I wasn't. I was the perfect girlfriend. I mean, I trusted him with her, alone. Many times. And I did just about everything in that "75 tips to make him crazy" article in Cosmo. Without the article. On my own. Without any guidance from him, or him requesting any of it. I never complained about doing anything, and I would've done anything else if he asked in the right way. I was the perfect friggin' girlfriend. I never said he couldn't talk to this girl, and I wasn't jealous of that girl. I never said he couldn't do this or that, I just wanted to be included in things. Which he never allowed me to be. I would've done anything and he didn't want me to, so it's his lose. He'll realize sooner or later that he's lost the best thing he'll ever have, and he'll come crawling back and I'll laugh in his face. So ha. Yea, I said I was doing better, not that I wasn't bitter.But now, I have a bigger problem. Before, I felt bad about telling someone I wouldn't go out with them because I didn't have any romantic feelings for them. Now I feel bad about it because I do. Gosh. I don't want to have feelings for this person, and it's complicating things so much. And I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH FLIRTING IS TOO MUCH!!! It's killing me! And I have no one to tell any of this to. No one to rant to. Which is why I'm writing this. I'm still not putting a name, though anyone could figure it out. It's a total DUH! Because not a lot of guys are interested in me. I've had 3 in the past...um, okay, my entire life, and they're all pretty open about it. So, now I know I can't do anything about these feelings. I can't do anything with this person, because I'm leaving in two months and it's utterly ridiculous to start a romance now. Stupid really. But I'm having real problems keeping away from it. I don't know how to avoid the situation, especially since I really don't have that many people around to distract from it.I'll have to figure out something that won't sacrifice the friendship. Well, that's what I'm trying to do, because I don't want a repeat of my last relationship. (If I had known it would end this way, I honestly wouldn't have gotten so involved with my best friend....I don't think...)Anyway, it's getting quite late for me, and I still have to download some things. Buh-bye, dearest Live Journal!