i'm so fr...

i'm so friggin' miserable in my life right now....I feel like i have no one. I feel like I've lost everything and everyone over the past 2 weeks....Exactly 2 weeks right now....I'm not going to cry again. I haven't cried this week. I'm not going to cry now. I'm always so miserable. I have no feelings, other than misery. I try to hide it. I run around at lunch, biting people, laughing with the people who will actually talk to me, which are all younger bandies, TRYING to act like I'm over this, TRYING to act like I don't care that he's always there. Trying to act like I can sit there and feel like I'm part of a group, part of a crowd. Trying to act like I'm real, and that I believe that this situation is real. I try to act like I don't think that he'll realize his mistake and come back to me. Damn it! I said I wouldn't cry. I have no one. I have nothing. I am no one. I am nothing...WHY CAN'T I JUST FUCKIN' DIE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! THAT'S ALL I WANT, THAT'S ALL I'VE EVER WANTED, THAT'S ALL THAT CAN MAKE THIS GO THE FUCK AWAY, THAT'S ALL THAT CAN MAKE ME FUCKIN' HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!! the only time I was ever happy was when I was with him, I need him! No one else has ever cared. No one else ever felt the need to talk to me, no one wants to be near me, and honestly right now, I don't want to be near anyone else. I just wish that every now and then I could feel something other than pain. I just wish I could make it all go away, just make it my life just go away....that's all i've ever wanted....even in fourth and fifth grades, all I wanted to do was die. I knew even then that I'd never amount to anything. I'd never be pretty, or popular, or have good grades, or be anywhere near the status of Felicia, or BreAnn, or Jessica Coy, or Lena, or anyone. I've never equalled any of them, and I never will. I mean, how fuckin' pathetic is an 18 year old girl whose first boyfriend, who happens to be only 14, just cheated on her, then broke up with her after four months??? There's nothing out there for someone as pathetic and stupid as me, so why should I continue???