I just don't know ...

I just don't know what to do. I think thaddeus is cheating on me. I have to talk to him and I have to ask him about what all mark told me, but i can't get ahold of him at all. Sissy and Debbie both told me that they'd tell him to call me ASAP but it hasn't happened yet.And I don't know what to do about Mark. I don't know how to get ahold of Kaela to tell her that she really needs to get rid of that jerk. I mean, how can he be going out with her and tell me that he loves me???? I just don't know what to do! and i can't post any of this on my blurty because that is not the way that I want kaela to find out that her boyfriend is a major asshole. I need to get ahold of her, but I can't. I can't get ahold of anyone. I'm supposed to go to hinkles tonight, but I don't think I'll feel up to it. i mean, I'm probably going to be breaking up with my boyfriend tonight. I can't cheer up enough to have fun right after and I'll just bring everyone else down.

nobody cares....

since no one on my blurty name cares anymore and no one wants to read about my life and if i write anything, they yell and scream and get mad, i give. i'm writing on here from now on, cuz this is a much better site and none of my so called "friends" are on here. They said they were going to try to talk to me. But they didn't. They don't want to, just like I told thaddeus. They don't care and they hate me. They still have that stupid petition and THEY HATE ME!! i'm going to try to call the bet off cuz i'm just too depressed to do anything like that. I just want to talk to thaddeus cuz he's the only one that cares anymore....I wish I knew what i did wrong.

but.....

ok, i'm sitting here, trying to figure out what to do tomorrow, y'know, about him....i don't wanna talk to him, cuz it'll hurt to much....the tears are on my cheeks right now, but i know they'll come back cuz they always do....I want to ask him if he's telling the truth when he tells me he loves me. I want to know what he really feels, cuz I don't think it's love, or he wouldn't make me hurt so much. He knows I really care about him, but it still doesn't seem to penetrate that hard head of his that I don't want to hear about *~Monica~*...I don't want to know about that skanky brat--unless he's telling me that he's broken up with her.I want to let him know that if he's not breaking up with her, then we need to cool it down, but he'll think it's only bcuz of her and it's not. It's cuz it's hurting me, really bad. I mean, to be crying over this, after not crying over my great aunt dying, it has to be serious. I don't want to cry. I shouldn't have believed anything that he said. He's A LIAR! A CHEAT! A JERK! I HATE HIM! I DO!...but i don't and that's where the "I hate myself" comes in. I'm ugly and stupid and skanky and idiotic, and every other insult that I can't think of right now cuz I'm too upset to think. I wanna just take a bottle and beat him over the head with it, then just collapse in his arms crying. I just.....i just hate this....

Gr, I hate my luck!

ok, first, I got back Sunday after noon from Florida, fun, fun, lemme tell ya! ok, I hate Thaddeus even more right now than I ever have, which is kinda hard to imagine, considering....but at least back then he hadn't told me that he had fallen in love with me....maybe I should just post my blurty in here...yea, that's a good idea....i think i'll do that....Ok, I wrote this Tuesday:****************Since I was little (well, I still am, but y'know what I mean) my biggest dream/fantasy has been to have my first "I love you" and/or my first kiss at Disney World. Well, my dream has come true! It was quite a trip to Florida, this past week was. It was a week of firsts, and a week of well....wow, it was just a wow week! I left last week with no guy, no crushes, no past romances, nothing....i came back with my first kiss, a wonderful guy who has told me he loves me, a perfect life, and everything i've ever wanted.....First of all, as all my friends should know, I spent last week in Florida with my Upward Bound friends. We were going to visit most of Disney, plus cocoa beach and a few malls....I figured it would be fun to be with my friends and get to see mickey, but nothing out of the ordinary would happen. Big Event One: Bus air conditioner breaks down in Georgia, at 8 o'clock in the morning, exactly 12 hours after we set out on our "adventure." Bus 2 and 1 have NO COOL AIR! we eat at a mcdonalds while they attempt to fix both buses in a garage next door. Two hours later, bus 2, my bus, has air, but not bus 1, thaddeus, elisha, april, etc.'s bus...so we continue, them with no air, all the way to florida. When we arrive (about 3, 4 o'clock that day) we change to go eat. By one that morning, our 5 person room has downsized to 3 people. April moved to Elisha and Nicole's room, and Carrie moved out due to...ahem, disagreements about an event of the previous week....no need to indulge in details of *that*...Big Event Two: A Dance club called "The Groove"....WOW! I WANNA GO TO ANOTHER DANCE CLUB!!!!! the flashing lights, the crowded dance floor, the millions of guys!!!WOWOWOWOWOW! and i ended up dancing with thaddeus and matt the entire time....well, and the drunk guy that found me like, 5 times, but we shan't count him cuz he was drunk...by the end of the night, i had started to feel too much for a certain drummer and was again angry with myself, as this has happened many times before. I concluded that I needed to stay away from him for a few minutes, so when he put his arm around me, I told him not to touch me. I was rude, I'll admit that, but it was just to keep me from falling too fast. I couldn't help it....he told me to call him that night and left.Big Event Three: I did call that night. He asked me to tell him what was wrong and why I looked so sad when we were leaving. I told him i couldn't tell him. He asked if i'd tell him what was wrong if he told me what was wrong with him. I said i'd think about it, but it was doubtful....he started to tell me....he said something like "Here's the first two words, it's a seven word phrase." The first two words were "I Accidentally" and there were 5 words left. Ricco started yelling "She didn't call you to play figure it out, thaddeus!" and i said, "No, I didn't, for once the jerk is right. Now, tell me or I'm hanging up." And he said "I can't tell you tonight, there's too many guys sittin' here." So we got off the phone and I went to sleep. Stupid me thought it had something to do with his crush on april, but yea, stupid me!Big Event FOUR: On the bus the next day, which happened to be occupied by both bus 1 and 2, i began to think of possibilities. Suddenly the possibility of "I accidentally FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU" popped into my head. Well, I popped it back out, telling myself there was no way, and that i was stupid. Yea. When we got off the bus and started walking into the Magical Kingdom, he told what the remaining 5 words were. And I had been right. And he said "Can you tell me what was wrong with you now?" and I said "The same thing."So what next? What can be bigger than that? What exactly could be bigger than being told by someone that they love you in disney world--the magical kingdom to be exact?? well, just read on, my friends......Big Event FIVE!: The day we packed our stuff and moved out of our hotel, Ms. Cary decided we should go to Universal Studios. Then we found out we had a choice between Universal and Islands of Adventure. So Thaddeus, me, Nicole, BreAnna, jeremy, thaddeus, april, elisha, and a few others decided to go to Islands. On the walk over, April got mad cuz as hard as she was trying to keep me away from thaddeus, I just wasn't having it. She got angry and went to Universal. I got a little happier and we got in line for the Hulk. Fun ride, i'm tellin' ya. Whenever ya got a corkskrew inside a loop, it's a blast....especially when you've just rode you're first loop ride the week before. And you're "friend" drags you into the line for the front. Anyway, while we were in line *for an hour and a half* thaddeus kept having to push me away because he was too tempted to kiss me. About 15 minutes before we got on the ride, I asked him, "Exactly how much do you really want to kiss me?" and his answer was "too much." Not much happened for a while. After the ride, we went to eat. Fun with whipped cream.....anyway, after eating, we went to Jarassic Park. We (being me, Jessi, Nysha, Deanna, and Nicole) started playing in a playground...with little kids.... We started walking around and we found a cave. I said "look, thaddeus, a dark place with lots of corners." he replied, "That I can not be alone with you in." and refused to go into the cave. We played in the giant net thingy that i didn't like. Thaddeus and I got seperated from everyone else....We found them pretty quick, though. Deanna was playing in a little thing that squirted water up at you. I stood beside a little hole and it spit at me. Nysha dragged me down to a thing where there were people at the top and people at the bottom and 4 things on either side that squirted water at people. Thaddeus dragged me in and a cute guy with muscles squirted me with water while thaddeus held me in place. Interesting how no one helped me. Thaddeus tried to drag Nysha in, but she fell on her bad knee and it started swelling. We left (after everyone got soaked, especially me) and started walking to another cave. I should mention that when thaddeus and I got seperated from everyone else, he asked me if I really did want to go in a cave with him. He also said by answering that, I'd be answering 2 quesitons. I said yes. But when we got to the cave, Nysha was angry with thaddeus and she began chasing him. Into the cave they went. Up the little block things, all the way to the top. Jessi and I sat there, awaiting the return of our other 4 people. A few minutes later, a very terrified thaddeus jumped up the blocks again and Nysha came through, but instead of following, she yelled up, "I'm going to the bathroom, but I'll be back!" So, Nysha, Deanna, Nicole, and Jessi left. I said I'd wait there. Thaddeus came back through and started to jump back up the blocks, but I told him they had left. I believe that all my friends can imagine what happened next. We went into another part of the cave exploring, and found that that cave had a lot of little kids. We were sitting in a little tunnel thing and just talking. He asked if i would feel too guilty if he kissed me. I told him no. He came around to my side of the tunnel and stood in front of me. He asked if I was sure I wanted to do this. I said, "If I didn't, would I be sitting in the dark cave with you, dork?" He sat down beside me and leaned in. He kissed once, kissed twice, stopped. I just smiled. I really can't remember what was said for a few minutes after that. I felt like I was floating. A few minutes later, I decided Nicole and our group had been gone too long and we were still alone in a cave. What would someone think we were doing if they found us???? so, we went to find them. When we couldn't we joined another group. We split off from that group soon after with Matt. Elisha joined us on the way to the entrance so we could leave. I took pictures of "The Groove" while we waited on everyone else. I also told Elisha, Nicole, Carrie, and April, even though I told April she DID NOT want to know, but she insisted, so now she's mad at both of us. I could care less, but Thaddeus is upset about it. On the way back to the bus at Cocoa Beach a few hours later, he said "Everyone is going to be so mad at me. James is mad because you're four years older than me, my mom and dad will be mad, monica will be mad, mark will be mad, just everyone's going to be so pissed." And I got mad and speed up after saying "Yea, everything is my fault, I'm just a horrible person!" He pulled me back to him and said "But I'm not regretting any of it. Let them be mad. I don't care." Before getting off the bus at Cocoa Beach, he put his wallet, watch, and my bracelet he broke (guess what kind--it's plastic and silver and guys enjoy breaking them...) up in the overhead compartment above me. When I got back on the bus, I got his stuff, cuz his bus had came and picked all them up. I wrote him a sweet little note saying I had his watch, his wallet, my bracelet, and his necklace and I was holding them ransom. I gave it to him when we got off to eat at Wendy's. After we ate, being to of the first to get done, he ran to my bus and started looking for everything in the overhead. Unfortunatley for him, everything was in my hand. He started begging me to at least give him his watch. I asked what I would get if I did. He leaned in and said "Something you got twice already today." I looked at him and said "There's too many people around and you don't want everyone to know." When I said that, I looked around and noticed that the ten or twenty people on the bus a few minutes before had cleared out and now there was 5. Me, Nicole, Thaddeus, Elizabeth, and Russell. The last two, being a couple, were engrossed in each other and nicole already knew. He sat in the seat in front of me and pulled me to the place where those two seats seperate and, while nicole was beside me saying "Ew, i can't believe you, omG!" he kissed me again, then looked at me and said "do you know how hard it is just to kiss you once?" I told him to get off the bus. That was one of the last times I talked to him during the trip. I miss him right now. ARGH! If he was just a year older, I wouldn't be so worried, but the illegality of the situation is just too much. I mean, i know nothing that could be considered statutory rape will happen, but still....if rumors get started, which i know they will.....and then there's monica and april..... ********************and this today:******************ok, i was dilusional. I was stupid, you all don't have to tell me that. I shouldn't have let my heart get in the way of my brain, again and again and again. I keep doing that and I really need to stop. I shouldn't have forgotten this past year while I was in a cave in an amusement park. I shouldn't have listened to the little idiot when he told me he had fallen in love with me. If I did listen, I should've lied about the way I felt. That way, none of this would hurt as much when the realization of EVERY THING being wrong with this situation hit me. But stupid me, i let all of that happen and now, I've been crying my eyes out and I feel like the stupidest person in the world. BTW: no one tell thaddeus my name on here, cuz I don't want him to read any of this. He knows I have a blurty journal, so he'll be asking. He called this morning--well, not this morning, but it still woke me up.... First time I've talked to him since breakfast on Sunday. He said he "thinx he's going to tell Monica just because they're already falling apart" and because he "told Mark to make him jealous and now Mark's going to tell if he doesn't." He's making me mad. VERY MAD! He kept talking about Monica when he knows I don't want to hear about Monica. He knows I have a concious that makes me feel very guilty at the least little thing and yet, he keeps talking and I keep telling him to stop, but it doesn't work, does it? And Cook forgot to send me the letter telling me about band practice (again). See, he forgot last year, too. I'm starting to think, since mine is the only letter he ever forgets, that he just doesn't want me to be in band. So, it's partially a good thing the little jerk called me this afternoon. I had practice Monday, but y'know, didn't know 'bout it. I have practice tomorrow, to help the little kids, and I have practice Friday, for everyone. I don't want to go cuz I don't want to see the little dork, but I do want to go cuz I do want to see him. I don't know, I'm mad, but I can't help it, but..... AUGH! GR! ANGRY! THROWING STUFF AROUND ROOM! SCREAMING! shoot, I get mad too easily....now I think I'm going to go cry..... ********************************and I'm so mad still, even though he called at 4 and it's now 8....and i don't think it's going to get much better b4 tomorrow when I have to see him....and...he....and...i'm pouty and that's never good.....

can't write a lot

i'm in the comp. lab at ub and i really can't write a lot right now cuz there's a lot of people here and i don't trust them, i just have to write a few things down.1: I HATE GUYS!! aaron is dating careah and chris is a loser. Thaddeus is a jerk and i can't stand jarrod. Hm...wow...2: I hate having roommates. 3: I hate dance teachers.4: I hate it when teachers won't let you make up work for your class even when your cousin has died.5: I hate everything6: I wanna go home.enough? well, i'm going to repeat that i hate guys cuz they all suck and i've been hurt again...well, gonna go now...buh-bye!

UB

Ok, I love Upward Bound, but I hate Upward Bound. I shoulda just gotten Nysha and April in it! No one else, I mean, other than jarrod and deanna, i didn't get them in. But there's just too many Duval people there. Thaddeus, well, he's just a spoilt snob. he's only tried to talk to me once and that was when i was so engrossed in watching eddie run up and down the basketball court that i was sitting away from everyone else and hadn't said a single word for an hour and a half. He says he isn't being a snob but he doesn't even talk to me when he's around carrie and april and nysha. he completely ignores me unless i grab his shoulders and yell "LISTEN TO ME!", which i actually had to do once. He's become totally obsessed with megan and i guess she's totally replaced me. o, well...Aaron is there....Aaron, aaron, aaron, aaron, aaron, aaron, aaron! I am so totally happy with him...well, i will be eventually. We've only really been talking for about two weeks, but according to people who see him when i'm not watching, he keeps watching me...SIGH SIGH! we walk from trig to the dorms with each other everyday. Usually everyone else leaves us and we just flirt all the way up there and it's so much fun and everyone's like, "you can tell he likes you, he watches you all the time and he flirts so bad" and i'm like trying to find reasons for it, but he waits on me after trig and sits behind me in history and it just feels so right, y'know, to be talking and flirting with him...ok, so he's no jd, i'll admit that....he's not even a serafin--well, i'm kinda happy bout that....but he's not really all that wow, hott, y'know, but he's cute and sweet and everything i really want in a guy, except he keeps cheerleading and i don't really like that. Everyone keeps saying they think he's gay, but I know he's not cuz brett told me about all his 'girl problems' and they were bad and he definitely likes girls, he just tries to stay away at the moment cuz they get him in BIGBIG trouble with his parents....i felt sorry for him....*sniff, sniff* I really wish the rumors about me and thaddeus would stop though, cuz i think they're making him back away a little cuz he thinks i'm taken. I hate those rumors and i almost cry everytime i hear them. That's another thing about thaddeus that is making me mad. I ate lunch with him one day and his little brat friend rico asked me if i was a virgin and thaddeus told him no i wasn't! that made me really mad and i still haven't forgiven him. and then rico keeps calling me little dork's girlfriend to make me mad and it made me so mad that i started crying and nysha (politely) told him to stop and he got all up in her face and all i could say was "Get. this. little. brat. away. RIGHT NOW!!" and he finally left after threatening to put a foot in nysha's face. I can't stand that little loudmouthed brat!but aaron is worth it all. Aaron and Disneyland! That's going to make it perfect! the fountain like corey and topanga! ah! that would be wonderful!ok, here's the part everyone will say "WHAT??!!" about. Yes, I know i have said there are certain schools that i will never date a guy from. Well, this is an acception. Aaron's a sophmore from Harts. But he acts so much more mature than most 10th graders and i can't be related to him cuz then i'm be related to bailey's who are related to wiley's who are related to serafins!!!!! and i'm not, so that's just it, i'm not!!!

everyone's b/s!

i'm tired of all of this, everyone fighting and everyone dragging me into it, but when i'm called a fake for no good reason (and trust me when i say i'm not) then it's NOT fine and dandy with me! No matter how scared i am that people are going to hate me for what i say and what i agree with and don't agree with, i do and say what is true to me and i can't stand it when people start crap because they don't like 1, just 1 person in a group that i talk to....so, i go out to the movies with that 1 person and i'm called a fake, even though i've known the person that called us that since the 1st grade! and i doubt she'll even be reading this because she took me off of her friends list completely, B4 I EVEN KNEW ANYTHING WAS WRONG! i can't stand it!!!! i know people have problems with breann! I have problems with breann! but i talk to her about them! I GET OVER IT!!!!!!! I COMPROMISE!!! I DON'T CALL ALL MY OTHER FRIENDS NAMES BCUZ I DON:T LIKE ONE FREAKING PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH! this has been happening since forever! Nothing's ever going to change! I'm tired of the controversey surrounding certain people and I wish it would just stopI don't want to lose the friendship with this person but they're too freakin' hard headed to know what's going on right in front of their faces! If someone is acting 'fake' then they need to tell that person or specify who they're talking about, not call everyone in the whole place 'fake.'This really freaking hurts. Everytime i get everything back to normal and back to the way things need to be, something goes wrong and it usually has to do with the same few people. I'm not blaming them, i'm blaming myself. The people i've known the longest are always the ones to hurt me, take me for granted and use me. Well, i'm not taking it anymore. I am part of that group and no matter how much she tries to freakin' clarify what she freakin' meant, i am one of those people she called "fake" She's been talking about me behind my back since she's had people that would talk back. Nyoka, danielle, emily--they were just the beginning. They hated me, so she did too. She followed the freakin' crowd. She didn't care what it did to me. She didn't care how much it would hurt our friendship and she still doesn't. She keeps sabatoging our friendship and i'm not going to be taken for granted anymore. Just because i've continually been there after everything that she's done to me, well, let's just say no more!And the whole thing about people and prom and her. She had to have known how much certain things would hurt me when she said them!!! if she didn't she's stoopid! One day, we were on switching buses at woodville and she was all mad at "the group" as usual. Well, it was a few days before prom and she was like "I'm not going to prom" and I said "No, you can't skip prom, you're like, my best friend and it won't be any fun without you!" and she said, "Well, since timmy's not going, i'm going to go out and party with him. He already said it was ok"Timmy was supposed to be my date to prom. he had cancelled a few days before because his "aunt wouldn't allow it" And then my 'best friend' makes a comment like that. She knew that i was really upset about him cancelling. I had just like, completely cried all the way home the day that he had told me. And then she says something like that. It felt like a stab, not in the back, but right in the heart. And then a twist straight through. So what am I supposed to do when my so-called "best friend" calls me a fake??!!! There's nothing I can do but be hurt, angry, upset....

and the watergates open...

i know it hasn't been that long since i wrote...what like, 5 minutes, but it's started...They're leaving me...it's all over. I don't want it to end...I depend on Kasey and Hinkle...I don't have that many people I can really DEPEND on...i mean, i have friends, but none that are sympathetic to me...most look at me like i'm stupid or tell me that i'm stupid...now they're leaving like josh, just like serafin, and i'll never see them again, or they'll be like my brothers and i'll only see them when something really important has happened in their life, and they won't care what's happened in mine...i'll never see any of them and i don't think i can do this next year too...i mean, i've known tira, hinkle, kasey, and chrissy since forever, but they're are so many more that i'll never get a chance to really know, cuz i just started to talk to them this year: Micah for example...i mean, i know him pretty well, but i know that we could be so much better friends...I'd like to get to know Cade, CJ, Daphne, Micheal, Cobb, all of them, but now i can't and there's really no use...I don't want to be a senior...I need Kasey in band, and I need hinkle to make me feel not so ditzy and i don't think our little group will hold together very tightly without the seniors...I think kasey is the only reason we're not split down the middle and hating each other...I don't think i'll be eating w/ bre and kida and goose next year, cuz i don't really know them all that well anymore...i never really knew goose, kida only talks to me when she wants something and bre only talks to me when she wants someone to boss around...i don't think next year will be as good as this year...no, correction: I KNOW next year will NOT be anywhere NEAR as good as this year, cuz my classes suck, my friends will be gone, no one will care, and it'll be right back to 9th grade, depression and HATRED of all...I HATE DUVAL! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! i don't want to ever go back! NEVER EVER EVER! it's never going to be the same without the seniors, no matter how much i hate most of them, they have to be there for me to consider it to be DUVAL! and they won't be...Josh, Josh, Josh, Brandon, Brandon, Brooke, Crystal, Michelle, Ashley, Thomas, Matt, all of them make a big difference in my learning enviroment, and I HAVE TO HAVE THEM THERE! right now, josh's picture is on my computer desk in it's neat little frame and it's just making the tears come faster. His beautiful big blue eyes, his pouty lips, his wonderfully styled blond hair, the plaid shirt, oh, he's so much of my life, no matter how much i want to admit it...I don't want to say that I'm in love with him, cuz carrie told me once, it takes two to be in love, but only one to love...I think i love him, but i'm not letting myself sink back into that total obsession that i had in the lower grades, I just couldn't do that to myself...the depressions I would go into when i didn't see him, crying over him every single night, I can't let myself do that again, never again, especially when i know I'll never see him again, and even if i did, i wouldn't have a chance with him...he likes girls with blond hair and big boobs...and that is NOT me...Nobody likes the redhead goodygoody...I don't wanna be the redhead goody goody anymore....I don't want to be like kida either, though...I don't want to be me...I want to start it all over, go back to the 7th grade...I wish I had then what i have now, even if it's still not much...I have only a bit more confidence now, but it would be enough to change a lot...I would be a lot higher in the hierarchy of the high school kingdom if i had had the confidence and bravery that i have now...I wish I never went to school here...It would make my life so much easier not to know the josh's and to not know...well, basically, any of these people...none of them really care....they only care about themselves, i'm not important enough to hold anyones attention for more than five minutes....especially not josh or jd's or even terrance or john...what's the use? I tell myself that I don't care, that they're not important, but seriously, how long can I lie to myself about that?I can't wait til UB. The Performing arts class makes me feel so wonderful, y'know, being on stage as someone else, turning into someone else completely...being that babysitter who is pretty enough to get the guy...being the druggy who's not such a total goodygoody that they won't do something to make herself feel better...well, i need to go indulge myself in a fanfiction about someone else's fucked up lives in order to take my mind off of mine and keep out of the reality world for a while...i can't stay there for very long at a time without searching for an overdose....

last day for seniors...and senior pictures.

omg! today was awesome! everything has happened this year and i really don't wish it to end! i mean, i got an office in student council. i've talked to every 'crush' i've ever had at that school. I've passed AP (well, yet to see actually happen, but let's keep our finger's crossed) I've become friends with everyone. I'm so loved and I SPOKE TO JOSH WALKER 2 TIMES TODAY! twice! for his senior picture and name card...he gave me a name card...not carrie, not lena (hahahaha, i know she'll read this!) not even TRISTA! ME!!! MEMEMEMEME!! AHAHAHAH! honest, i need to calm down cuz i don't need to be this happy over him. He's not worth this much AH! o, god, but he's hot! he's so wonderful! just as long as his mouth stays shut! actually, that's ok, too, now that he's toned down the ego. He's so...*~sigh~*!!! and i promised myself to make sure i didn't see him that way ever again! he handed me the picture through the bus window and i was shaking. I said, "Thanks, Josh!" and turned to go back to my seat. Obviously, Crystal the DITZY (better known as ME!) had no control whatsoever on her stupid mouth and she screamed (squealed, very high pitched) as soon as he turned around...he heard, he looked back! I..I...I LUV IT! I mean, not as if he'll see me ever again after next saturday! He (should) graduate...let's hope to God that this guy got passing grades, cuz if he didn't, i'm gonna die! I can't have class with him after that! ok, so i've been through every friend inflicted type of torturous humiliation, but never has it been self inflicted, as today's was. i wasn't supposed to do that. I didn't mean to...I shook all the way home and no one else was allowed to hold the picture. Not even lenie! I gonna make her a copy, though, on my 'puter...and i'm gonna print out like, 2 pages of wallet sized, then about 2 full page pictures, and omg, i'm so obsessed! Someone help me down off of this walker high! What a time to need a cute guy! AHAHAHAHAHAH!!! I wonder where i can find one of those....or if brooke would loan me jd for a week or two...just to get my mind offa walker...yea, ur right, i doubt it, too!

love

i now have a new/old crush...there's a lot of people sitting in this library that would kill me if they found out. deadly crush. deadly i tell ya! deadly! especially since i have a class with him...in which i have a friend that would absolutely and completely embarrass me as much as possible...she just guessed it. yes, lena, josh. ok, i gotta go now...before anyone else sees this!

love

i now have a new/old crush...there's a lot of people sitting in this library that would kill me if they found out. deadly crush. deadly i tell ya! deadly! especially since i have a class with him...in which i have a friend that would absolutely and completely embarrass me as much as possible...she just guessed it. yes, lena, josh. ok, i gotta go now...before anyone else sees this!

i...

i don't know what's going on with me....a) right after the last time i wrote, i quit majorettes. completely and totally quit. that was like, what a month ago? our sponser/instructor just found out and now i'm back on the squad. b) brandon farmer is gone...he quit school and is going to boot camp. i mean, i don't really care, but y'no my life is like boring w/o him to make selbe's life pure hell.....c) i don't care about the 7th grade guys ne more...they're just some of my best friends, which is good, cuz i don't have many ne more.d)josh....just...josh...i can't believe i'm letting myself do this again. it's just....i still miss him...i don't know what he's doing or where he's at, i don't know if he's dead or in jail or out on the street somewhere....but it's been 14 months and i really really miss him so much more now than i did. i don't no y...i was supposed to be over him. i was supposed to forget about him....but diana has been talking about ricky so much, and i don't know why but ricky and diana just make me think of josh....and i started crying today in 4th....i tried to forget about it, but i gave up around 6th pd.i cried for an hour and a half after school. i tried to stop, but i couldn't....a few minutes ago i got on forward garden and started to look at quotes....they all remind me of josh...so i started crying....and i don't know...i just wanted to go to the kitchen and get a knife....i kno i would never do something like that, but i could feel it going straight thru my arm and just everything leaving, no more pain...no more emotion...i'm already dead inside of me....i was dead 14 months ago....my life was over so long ago...but, y'know, my deal right now is fuck the world....nothing matters and i don't give a damn.Crystal Nichole(kurisutaru)I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care,I'm not supposed to live my life,wishing you were there,im not supposed to wonder,where you are & what you do,I'm sorry I cant help myself..im in love with you

it's ...

it's just like, whatever, y'know, i've felt like that all week....i've just been sittin' in my room, doing nothing, not thinkin' about jarrod and brandon and bre and britni and everything is just so much better that it has been for....well, since my brother was home the last time....with his ex...i don't know what's wrong with my stupid brother...i never will, i don't think i want to...he's had so many great girlfriends, but the more he gets, the less great they get....there was lisa, who still calls, visits, emails, tries to keep us up to date with my nephews life...now there's ranee...i don't think she's going to do that...ne of that...i have the feeling that after she and my brother broke up, we ain't gonna get to see my baby neice ne more, unless ranee trust lisa enough to bring her up here when she brings damien....but that ain't gonna happen, i don't know why i even bother to think about stuff like that, it's all my idiotic brother's fault that i have a neice and a nephew that i'll never get to see....i hate him more than ever, but how can i say that about one of the two people that raised me until i was 5...my two brothers raised me....my parents were always cleaning and working, my brothers taught me everything i know....they got f's in school, but still taught me how to read, how to write, how to do everything i knew until school...but now, they don't even know i still exist...they usually call up here to talk to my dad and get me instead...they make small talk for about half a minute and say "well, i'll talk to you later, bye!" as fast as possible....they probably don't even know i'm turning 16...they probably don't even care....well, in that case, i don't care about them! all week, though i have still been wishing that the phone would ring and it would be brandon....even though i know that would mean my dad hunting him down and killing him, i still so totally wish he'd call....i hate that i like him, especially with jarrod around...jarrod's the sweetest guy i know, but i mean, he's a 7th grader....that's a little to young for me....even though he is everything all the magazines describe as the 'perfect guy'....they forgot to mention the fact that the guy needs to be in a your age limit...which jarrod is not...now brandon, he's older than me, even though he's a year behind me in school, which is just fine with me...i mean, 9th grade isn't that bad....but 7th?? there's just no way! it's friday....on monday my week of freedom is over and i go back to school....i get to see brandon of a morning 0:> then put up with the brats throughout the day....then i've got to find a way to skip lunch so that i don't get sick again...alg. 2....shoot, just gotta survive that....(haha)....get through band, which i know we'll be practicing for the parade next week, which means, back 2 majorettes....my mom and docter told me that if it was stressing me out then i couldn't do it....i wish they'd make me quit because i can't bring myself to quit....i've never quit at ne thing even if i did suck at it this bad!!! well, i don't really suck, it's just britni and breann make me believe i'm the worst majorette in the world...which, i know i'm not....i've seen worse!!!! in the gym...definitely...i hate this!!!!! gr!!!! i don't wanna do it!! no! gosh! i'm whining again! i hate whining! well, i've got to go find some way to make my ice cold hands turn human again....Crystal Brandon LovesNichole ------

Brandon

Why am i letting myself do this again? I'm letting myself fall for a guy that i know will never feel the same way about me and i can't stop it. Well, i'm not letting myself fall, i'm trying to keep my balance as well as i cann but i don't now, he just keeps tripping me. He kept putting his hat on me this morning and like, totally flirting, but i know that he's just friend flirting, but to me it feels like more and i can't stand it. it's killing me inside and i just want this all to be over because i can't stand that he is 'with' all these other girls that i consider my best freinds....well, not all of them. sheila, yes, kristy, yes, britni , not if it kept me out of hell!!!! gosh, i hate him!! he's the normal always fallen for druggie bad boy and i'm the goody goody that always falls for the druggie bad boy!!! JGALKJGJALKFDSJGALKFDGHEAKIH REAIFTAJHLKFN RDAOIHJC"AOIF ADLKNF sjhf.kjg;hdsfkjg vrdjkds hkjfd noiufhad ;cjphd987ry he;riuy;rkjfhaskdjfskhfkjlds kI HATE Bvbglu fkjfgGuys suck, but they're just so damn hott!`Love can heal, love can hurt, so be smart n just flirt!Reality is an illusion, caused by lack of drugs.EVEN IF THE VOICES AREN'T REAL, THEY HAVE SOME REALLY GREAT IDEAS!I'm not a bytch, i am THE bytch, ur just mad cuz i'm not UR bytch!----That's what i'm gonna say 2 brandon next time he calls me a bitch, which he does quite often!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IF confusion is the first step to knowledge, then hell, i'm the smartest person in the universe!

i ...

i don't know what's going on with me....a) right after the last time i wrote, i quit majorettes. completely and totally quit. that was like, what a month ago? our sponser/instructor just found out and now i'm back on the squad. b) brandon farmer is gone...he quit school and is going to boot camp. i mean, i don't really care, but y'no my life is like boring w/o him to make selbe's life pure hell.....c) i don't care about the 7th grade guys ne more...they're just some of my best friends, which is good, cuz i don't have many ne more.d)josh....just...josh...i can't believe i'm letting myself do this again. it's just....i still miss him...i don't know what he's doing or where he's at, i don't know if he's dead or in jail or out on the street somewhere....but it's been 14 months and i really really miss him so much more now than i did. i don't no y...i was supposed to be over him. i was supposed to forget about him....but diana has been talking about ricky so much, and i don't know why but ricky and diana just make me think of josh....and i started crying today in 4th....i tried to forget about it, but i gave up around 6th pd.i cried for an hour and a half after school. i tried to stop, but i couldn't....a few minutes ago i got on forward garden and started to look at quotes....they all remind me of josh...so i started crying....and i don't know...i just wanted to go to the kitchen and get a knife....i kno i would never do something like that, but i could feel it going straight thru my arm and just everything leaving, no more pain...no more emotion...i'm already dead inside of me....i was dead 14 months ago....my life was over so long ago...but, y'know, my deal right now is fuck the world....nothing matters and i don't give a damn.Crystal Nichole(kurisutaru)I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care,I'm not supposed to live my life,wishing you were there,im not supposed to wonder,where you are & what you do,I'm sorry I cant help myself..im in love with you

it's jus...

it's just like, whatever, y'know, i've felt like that all week....i've just been sittin' in my room, doing nothing, not thinkin' about jarrod and brandon and bre and britni and everything is just so much better that it has been for....well, since my brother was home the last time....with his ex...i don't know what's wrong with my stupid brother...i never will, i don't think i want to...he's had so many great girlfriends, but the more he gets, the less great they get....there was lisa, who still calls, visits, emails, tries to keep us up to date with my nephews life...now there's ranee...i don't think she's going to do that...ne of that...i have the feeling that after she and my brother broke up, we ain't gonna get to see my baby neice ne more, unless ranee trust lisa enough to bring her up here when she brings damien....but that ain't gonna happen, i don't know why i even bother to think about stuff like that, it's all my idiotic brother's fault that i have a neice and a nephew that i'll never get to see....i hate him more than ever, but how can i say that about one of the two people that raised me until i was 5...my two brothers raised me....my parents were always cleaning and working, my brothers taught me everything i know....they got f's in school, but still taught me how to read, how to write, how to do everything i knew until school...but now, they don't even know i still exist...they usually call up here to talk to my dad and get me instead...they make small talk for about half a minute and say "well, i'll talk to you later, bye!" as fast as possible....they probably don't even know i'm turning 16...they probably don't even care....well, in that case, i don't care about them! all week, though i have still been wishing that the phone would ring and it would be brandon....even though i know that would mean my dad hunting him down and killing him, i still so totally wish he'd call....i hate that i like him, especially with jarrod around...jarrod's the sweetest guy i know, but i mean, he's a 7th grader....that's a little to young for me....even though he is everything all the magazines describe as the 'perfect guy'....they forgot to mention the fact that the guy needs to be in a your age limit...which jarrod is not...now brandon, he's older than me, even though he's a year behind me in school, which is just fine with me...i mean, 9th grade isn't that bad....but 7th?? there's just no way! it's friday....on monday my week of freedom is over and i go back to school....i get to see brandon of a morning 0:> then put up with the brats throughout the day....then i've got to find a way to skip lunch so that i don't get sick again...alg. 2....shoot, just gotta survive that....(haha)....get through band, which i know we'll be practicing for the parade next week, which means, back 2 majorettes....my mom and docter told me that if it was stressing me out then i couldn't do it....i wish they'd make me quit because i can't bring myself to quit....i've never quit at ne thing even if i did suck at it this bad!!! well, i don't really suck, it's just britni and breann make me believe i'm the worst majorette in the world...which, i know i'm not....i've seen worse!!!! in the gym...definitely...i hate this!!!!! gr!!!! i don't wanna do it!! no! gosh! i'm whining again! i hate whining! well, i've got to go find some way to make my ice cold hands turn human again....Crystal Brandon LovesNichole ------