...

I'm writing this for myself, and myself only. If it's not put under private, it'll be a miracle. I don't like private that much, though. I think I would be a good celebrity, only because I hate secrets and hiding so much. Though I would be too nervous to try.Anyway, I just wanted to write, to ponder my thoughts, to allow a freestyle thought process. If I don't allow myself to write it down, I just get confused. I get confused a lot though. As I am right now. I'm not quite sure what I'm confused about. I want to do so much, but keep telling myself, "That won't be accepted. That's not allowed. That's wrong." but the other side of me is saying, "Screw right and wrong, who's to say it's not allowed, and What do you care if those people don't accept it?" But I do care, and that's what's gotten me confused in the first place. Of course this is all dealing with the one and only ass. I don't think I still care for him like I did. I know it could come back, if I allowed it, but that's just it: I'm not allowing it. So, shouldn't I feel powerful? Shouldn't I feel like I'm in control? Well, I don't. I feel like it's everyone else controlling everything. The feelings I have are pushed upon me, the thoughts that enjoy running through my head are not my own, and the actions I am taking are not those that I am wanting to take. I still want to get him alone, to ask him these questions I keep supressing. I want to ask him if he's happy, if he still cares for me at all. I want to ask him what he was going to say to me at the dance. I want to talk to him like we used to be able to talk, and I want to flirt and act like I used to. But that's not accepted. We've broken up and I've moved on. But as soon as I say hi to him, or giggle in his presence, I'm accused of still being in love with him. I'm told that I'm pathetic and hopeless. I just want it to end, but no one will allow it to. Do I sound a little bitter? It's because I am. No matter how much I don't want this to hurt, it will. It always will, because I cared so much, I let him have so much of me, and it was a total rejection, and he can give no reason whatsoever for it. He can't tell me, "She's prettier, she's nicer, she's smarter, she's better at something," because she's not, she's not any of those things. I'm much prettier! He said so himself, just over a week ago, the first time I've talked to him, and laughed, and had fun, and not tried to injure him, in a long time. I'm much nicer, I can tell from the way Mark talks about her. I'm much smarter, I think we ALL know that. (Check out the webpage: http://homepage.aol.com/lilmls) and I know that I'm better at everything. He told me that too. Not by my prodding, or asking, or even my egotistical boasting. He made it plain while he was trying to get me to fold his pants for him. All on his own, he said I "could do it the best." Of course, he was talking about the pants, but then he went on, as everyone started giggling, he said, "Well, that too, but..." I didn't ask for that, and I quickly folded the pants just to get the subject changed. I should've said something that would've killed him like, "And I've gotten much better at that since we broke up" or something. It would've shocked the shit out of him, and I would've loved it. But I don't really care. I can deal with it, and I can deal without it. I don't feel the need to hurt him and make him feel the pain I've went through. I don't feel the need to make him suffer. I don't see a real reason to make him suffer, because I'm not in all that much pain anymore.I'm just still curious. I want to know exactly what he told my mom, and I want to know what he was going to tell me at the dance. And I want to know why he gives me these little looks, and why he doesn't want me near sean, and....ugh, all these little things that I can never ask him because it will be considered an "I still love him move," when all I want to do is move on.He was online just a few minutes ago. I didn't realize for a long time, but I checked to see if there was anyone on that I would want to talk to, and I saw he was online. I wanted to im him. I wanted to ask him to teach me how to play chess, because I've got that and checkers and Reversi or something like that on my instant messanger, and those games don't take forever to load. I've always wanted to play chess, but since my brother tried to teach me, it's been painful to try. My brother loved (loves, not like he's dead or anything) chess, too. Sometimes I think it would be easier on my psychological and mental health if my brother was dead. But how horrible am I to think that? I'm a terrible person. I don't deserve to live.How easy is that to write? It's what I've been taught. I say someone should die, I automatically tell myself I'm horrible and don't deserve to live. It's like a reflex. I don't mean to do it, it's just moral to tell yourself you're better off dead. Great. Now I'm questioning societies ability to raise moral and healthy children. At 4 a.m. When I should be asleep. When I should actually be getting ready to wake up, if it were any normal day. But it's not. It's spring break. So I'm up at 4 a.m. pondering my feelings for a guy that I know I no longer care about, but don't know what is "allowed" for me to do around him. WHAT THE HECK?!Oh my gosh, I got off topic, didn't I? On One Tree Hill earlier (Last night?) Brooke and Payton and the rest of the girls on the cheer squad were in a competition. Well, since Payton helped Lucas cheat on Brooke, Brooke has decided that Payton isn't her best friend anymore. But at the cheer competition, Brooke and Payton were joking around and all this, just because they had called a cheer truce. I was not believing it for a second. It was ridiculous. There is no way that Brooke could've put that behind her so fast, if even for only a weekend. I would've still been wanting to punch Payton in the face. At the begining of the series, I wanted to punch Brooke, and Payton was that girl that you just had to say, "I know how ya feel, girl!" but now, I can't stand looking at Payton, and however much I still hate Brooke (Come on, her name is Brooke, which automatically reminds me of little miss Brook Harless. UGH!) I feel so sorry for Brooke, because Payton was her BEST FRIEND and the show never ever shows any of them with anyone else, so I'm thinking that she was her only friend. I don't know. I still want to punch Thaddeus. I want to just haul off and punch him as hard as I can. But I'm dissociating him. I'm making him two different people. The one that I dated, and the one I have to deal with on a day to day basis. I'm making everything go away, and it feels good, to not see the guy that hurt me, to not see the guy that made me weak with just his touch, even four months into the 'relationship', if you can even call it that.What hurts the most, though, was something that he said the other day. I was telling him that I may get the chance to go back to Florida and I said, "This time, I'll make it a much much better trip." His reply? "I don't know, I can't even remember a single thing that happened when we were in Florida."I couldn't even think of a decent response, or a comeback, or anything. I thought immediately, "He's saying that to hurt me. He can't have forgotten all of that." But then I realized, he could be serious. He is such a jerk that he could've forgotten the three moments that we shared and that have become so...monumental to me. He could have completely forgotten that he meant the world to me, and vice versa, at one point. I still think he could have said that to hurt me, but it's a fifty fifty. And it did hurt, very bad. It made me angrier than it hurt, though. I got mad that I allowed such a jerk to be my first kiss. My only kiss, at age 17, and he forgot that he gave it to me, he forgot where, when, everything. And I'm mad at myself because he's still the ONLY guy I've kissed. I don't want him to be. I want to kiss other guys, lots of other guys. I want to just once, though, right in front of him kiss another girl, just to make him mad. Because he was always begging me to, and I wouldn't. But I want him to understand fully that I'm the best girl he'll ever ever ever have in his arms, and he gave that up. I want him to suffer, emotionally now. Not physically, emotionally. He has NEVER suffered emotionally. He's a jock, a football jerk. The only pain he knows is physical. He doesn't understand feelings. The worst feeling he's ever had is an argument with his sister. Or when he had to break up with a girl in his eighth grade year. He cried on my shoulder. I was always the one he came to at school when he was upset. The we started dating and he never said anything to me. I know I ruined our friendship. I knew when we started going out that I would. I told him. In a letter, I still have it. He wrote back and said that only one of his relationships didn't end in the best of friends, and he was still okay friends with that girl. I told him that if we ended and I couldn't be around him, couldn't be freinds with him that it was all his fault.And now, I'm blaming that on myself too. Gosh, it just feels nice to get all of this out. I don't want to put it under private. Not that many people read this anyway. It's a nice long entry, everyone will get so very bored around the first few sentences. Who wants to read about little old me, anyway??

Okay, g...

Okay, going through my head right now??? EXERCISE, EXERCISE, EXERCISE!!! TAN, TAN TAN!!! EXERCISE! TAN! EXERCISE! TAN! So, what do I do?? I do two hundred situps in five minutes on my first night of exercise in three years...Smart, huh? Is two hundred too much? I think that since it's spring now, I'll start staying after to run. Yes, running should get me into some kind of shape. Also this thing I have with the sit ups. Something with the thighs. I hate my thighs. And my twiggy little arms. There's so little that someone could wrap their fingers around my biceps. I need to do something with my arms. My calves are pretty good. I'd like bigger boobs, but I doubt there's an exercise for that. But I'd like to flatten my tummy a little. I have love handles. Yes, I do admit it. I might look like a thin little slut, but my body is no where near in shape. I just have high metabolism. Which sucks, because that will go far far away some day and I'll be stuck with all this fat that my body isn't eating anymore. So me, eating? Won't happen. Not like it happens that often, anyway. I don't know. Maybe I'm just scared about college, and I know I can't control it, so I'm taking it out on my body. Shoot, I'm dark right now, though, comparatively.

Well, I...

Well, I don't really know what to say. I know that once I start, it will all just tumble out, but that would probably take hours. And hours. And hours. Maybe not, but it shall take some time because a lot has happened and a lot more will. There are so many questions in my life right now. Should I? Can I? WIll I? Will he? Can we? What will everyone else say? That one I'm not so worried about, just as long as the opinions and yelling and screaming are kept to a minimum. Maybe I can just type the biggest part and everyone will understand what I'm saying. Not like anyone but Lena reads this journal, but that's the way I like it. Thaddeus told my mother on Friday, during our band pictures, that he made a mistake and has broken up with her. And that he has much deeper feelings for me than he originally thought. So my brain explodes in anger and my heart jumps into my throat as I hear that from my mom on the way home. The worst part is that's not the first time that day that I heard the "Still has feelings for you" part. I'm not technically acknowledging it, though, not until it is said from his mouth to my ears. There's no use, and I'm not the one that shall talk first. He's told the entire world, basically. Everyone, including my mother! But until he says something straight to me, I'm not mentioning it, I'm not letting him even know that I know.I do love him, I always have, and I feel that I always will. But does hat mean that I can trust him? No. Will he succeed in making me trust him again? I don't know, because I don't know how I ever can. But I'm willing to try. That's the first time I've wrote/said that. I don't know if I'll be able to. I just this week was able to have an actual conversation with him. And it's been 2 months and 6 days, and 13 hours. Yes, I counted. I always do. I have a small obsession with it. Everyone is OCD in some way. This is mine. But he said he made a mistake. He knows he made his mistake, that I knew way back the day that we broke up. I just accepted that it was over. Just now. And now he doesn't want it to be. AUGH! I don't know waht to do!

I AmSoFr...

I AmSoFrigginBored.LifeIsSoFrigginBoring.IAmSoStupidAndUgly.

Wow. I haven'...

Wow. I haven't updated in so long (for good reason). I really don't know what to write. I'm doing so much better in my life. Well, in hiding in my life. Just two months of this torture left, I chant to myself as I sit on the big yellow transportation device that seniors should not be subjected to. I sit alone and sit alone and sit along, as I am surrounded by people. I don't fit in at that place and I don't think I want to. High school was always such a mystery and an allusion to me. I never saw the mean and the bratty and the stereotypical until now. But it's there, full blast. Even the ones who think they aren't, are. But I'm doing so much better in the romantic situation (or lack thereof). Sure, I still snap at him, and I still throw drumsticks at him, but he's the one who offered the ammunition. I don't know. I was able to hold a conversation with him and not cry after. That's a real first. And I'm so proud of myself for it. Like I told Sean, he was my first everything, and I'm always going to love him. But if he asked me to take him back right now, I couldn't. It's too late for us, and I knew that when we broke up. I didn't want to believe it, but I already knew. Making myself understand that was the biggest problem. I miss having him around, I miss talking to him, I miss kissing him, and even doing the other things that everyone else is so repulsed by. (I didn't find it so repulsive.)But I know that I wasn't the problem. That was another of the big problems. I thought I had done something, I was the cause of it. But I wasn't. I was the perfect girlfriend. I mean, I trusted him with her, alone. Many times. And I did just about everything in that "75 tips to make him crazy" article in Cosmo. Without the article. On my own. Without any guidance from him, or him requesting any of it. I never complained about doing anything, and I would've done anything else if he asked in the right way. I was the perfect friggin' girlfriend. I never said he couldn't talk to this girl, and I wasn't jealous of that girl. I never said he couldn't do this or that, I just wanted to be included in things. Which he never allowed me to be. I would've done anything and he didn't want me to, so it's his lose. He'll realize sooner or later that he's lost the best thing he'll ever have, and he'll come crawling back and I'll laugh in his face. So ha. Yea, I said I was doing better, not that I wasn't bitter.But now, I have a bigger problem. Before, I felt bad about telling someone I wouldn't go out with them because I didn't have any romantic feelings for them. Now I feel bad about it because I do. Gosh. I don't want to have feelings for this person, and it's complicating things so much. And I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH FLIRTING IS TOO MUCH!!! It's killing me! And I have no one to tell any of this to. No one to rant to. Which is why I'm writing this. I'm still not putting a name, though anyone could figure it out. It's a total DUH! Because not a lot of guys are interested in me. I've had 3 in the past...um, okay, my entire life, and they're all pretty open about it. So, now I know I can't do anything about these feelings. I can't do anything with this person, because I'm leaving in two months and it's utterly ridiculous to start a romance now. Stupid really. But I'm having real problems keeping away from it. I don't know how to avoid the situation, especially since I really don't have that many people around to distract from it.I'll have to figure out something that won't sacrifice the friendship. Well, that's what I'm trying to do, because I don't want a repeat of my last relationship. (If I had known it would end this way, I honestly wouldn't have gotten so involved with my best friend....I don't think...)Anyway, it's getting quite late for me, and I still have to download some things. Buh-bye, dearest Live Journal!

We are going t...

We are going to try some fun, new idea :) Here's the rules, you fill this out about me, and send it back. Then, you send it to all of your friends to see how much they know about you. Ready? Here we go... Basic Stuff* Full name (If you know it): Nicknames: If you could give me a nickname, what would it be? Age: When's my birthday? Siblings? What grade am I in? What school do I go to? What color eyes do i have? What color hair? What is my favorite color? How long have I known you? Where did we meet? Answer yes or no* Am I... Funny? Smart? Pretty? Cute? Nice? Friendly? More Am I* Quiet or Loud? Short or Tall? Weird or Original? Friendly or Selfish? Normal or "Special"? Boring or Fun? Attractive or Unattractive? Fat, Skinny, Thin, Just Right? Relationships* Who are my best friends? Who do I have a crush on? Do you think I'll get married? If so, to who? Random Stuff* What song reminds you of me? If you could give me anything what would it be? If you could describe me in one word, what would that word be and why? What was your first impression of me? What is your impression of me now? If you could ask me any one question, what would it be (I might answer it)? If you could tell me one thing right now and not care about what you are saying and how it would affect anything, what would it be? If you could change one thing about our relationship, what would it be? State your full opinion of me here:

SODA POP S...

SODA POP SODA POP! I'm such a closet britney fan, but anyway, Soda Pop mentions fire and ice and that is such a total Ginny Draco thing!! WOW! anyway, I was cleaning my room, trying to completely take my mind off of everything, when over my Windows Media Player, Soda Pop starts! And I hear the fire and ice part and I freeze! I look up and say "Song fic! Song fic! OHOH! YAY!" So now I'm in a totally creative mood and I'm supposed to be cleaning but I'm just too distracted! [male rapper] Like a great boy, all my other women are insolesWe're thinkin 'bout the great exphidition as popped we chose[Britney & rapper] So here we come, throwing here[rapper] Throwing here all on the sceneThough we go[Britney & rapper] On and on[rapper] come, come follow me Britney[Britney] yeahMm-hmm, soda pop, watch it fizz and popThe clock is tickin' and we can't stop (can't stop now)Mm-hmm soda pop, bop, shu-bopThe clock is tickin and we can't stopWe might start riding to the music tonightA clever way to get by, ohThe pops keep flowin' like its fire and iceSo give it a little blind, oohMm-hmm soda pop, watch it fizz and pop (mm-hmm)The clock is tickin and we can't stop (now)Mm-hmm soda bop, bop shu-bop shu-bopThe clock is tickinand we can't stopOoh-OohWe have a plan, we have a definite planTo level the vibes (vibes)To level vibes agian (ooh-yeah)SeeWhere ya ba-do for a superlative self, oh yeahA wicked time to the end, oh yaeh, soMm-hmm soda pop, watch it fizz and pop (ooh)The clock is tickin and we can't stop (can't stop)Mm-hmm soda pop, bop, shu-bop shu-bopThe clock is tickin and we can't stopSo much pop we're losing, sittin watchin the clockSo turn the tables baby, let's go over top (take it to the top now)No one else will doI'm waiting for youSo me what'cha got, just take a pop shotAnd we will never stop shu-bop, shu-bopyeah, mm-hmmThe clock is tickin and we can't stopMm-hmm soda pop, bop, shu-bop shu-bopThe clockis tickin and we can't stop (can't stop)Do it like we never have before (before, before, before)And lovin it til we drop (we drop, ah, we drop yeah)We'll flex tonight until they break down the door (oh yeah)The party won't ever stopsoMm-hmm soda pop, watch it fizz and pop (no, uh yeah)The clock is tickinand we can't stop (stop no)Mm-hmm soda pop, bop, shu-bop shu-bopMm-hmm soda pop (no) watch it fizz and pop (oh)The clock is tickin and we can't stop (can't stop)[rapper] I bet you we can pop like we've never popped it beforeWhy we keep commin back fdor more and more for sure (sure)It's cool Britney when wee get down on the floor yeahAnd we go[Britney & rapper] On and On until the break of dawnMm-hmm soda pop, watch it fizz and popThe clock is tickin and we can't stop (ah, can't stop, no)Mm-hmm soda pop, bop, shu-bop shu-bop (ooh yeah)The clock is tickinand we can't stop[rapper] All we gotta do is justMm-hmm soda pop, watch it fizz and pop (oh yeah)The clock is tickin and we can't stop[rapper] Oh, we're on the bend[Britney] Mmm, uh-oh

Is he lying...

Is he lying to me or is he lying to his mother? I don't know, and I can't figure it out. Why would he lie to me about it? Unless of course it's to intentionally upset me and make me mad. And why would he lie to his mother? I don't know. That would be stupid. I'm so very confused. And I have nothing to do, therefore my mind is entirely blank except for thoughts of this complete insanity. I wish something was on television, or I could find a decent draco/ginny. Too bad I can't. My thoughts wouldn't be wondering this far away, then. I wouldn't be so confused. I'd block it out. I'm so terribly bored.

I've done...

I've done okay today. I think I've done a little better than just okay, considering the pain I still feel. I didn't cry. At all. I woke up at 1:30 and called Jess and Chrissy to go to the movies. We left at 3:30 and went to McDonald's before seeing The Butterfly Effect at 4:40. I almost threw something at the screen at one point when Lenny and Kaylee were kissing, because it was just so sweet, and then again when Kaylee died and Ashton (forget his character's name) threw the flowers and the "I'll come back for you" sign in on her coffin. But romance was not the main idea of the movie, therefore not a chick flick or a date movie. It was extremely good, and I fell in love with the psychological aspect of it. I'm so happy that I saw it, even if I hate Ashton Kutcher with a passion. Punk'd is the stupidest show I've ever seen. And honestly, I'm not a fan of That 70's show either. And his character in Cheaper by the Dozen is a total ass and I don't think he's acting in that movie. But anyway, after the movie, we went to WalMart. I saw Micah, Aaron, Mr. Sowards, and Ms. Ellen (just the names I grew up calling the adults) and we said hi. I counted that as 4 Duvalians. We walked in the door and saw Mike and Sam Wright with Danielle Dunlap. Jessica and Chrissy were shocked at the "Mike dating Danielle" aspect of the meeting. After exchanging hello's with them, we went further into the store. A total of 8 Duvalians were spotted, and we were just in there for 5 minutes. Ms. McCormick was # 8. I got an O.C. poster that I'm going to save for my college dorm room, I believe. Or else I'll clean up my walls a little and move some stuff around to find room. By the time I got home, it was already around 8:30, 9. I watched some television, then read my magazine, then got online and updated blurty and check email. Then I got offline to watch more television. I'm incredibly bored. Oh, and my parents bought me two very pretty necklaces that I'm very proud of. They're silver. I like silver. But I think I did pretty good, not throwing sharp objects at happy kissing couples, and not going completely dependant and contacting the dork. I barely even thought of him, except for the dreams I kept having this morning. Those dreams made me sad. I wish I could control my subconscious. I wouldn't have dreams like those anymore. They're not happy like they used to be.Last night at the game was very fun, though. I love watching Aaron play basketball. He's so pretty and funny. But my mom talked to Thaddeus and Sissy. I don't remember all that was told to me, but I do know most of it was bull. He gets mad at me every day? I try to stay away from him as much as possible. I don't even talk to him during band. Heck, anymore, I only talk to Kaela and the other flutes. And that's only because they're close enough to hear my sarcastic and self critisistic comments. I don't even think that's a word, but it's the best I could come up with. And the rest of the day, I don't even see him, unless he comes to the part of the hall we sit in, and I don't say anything unless he stops. And then I usually end up leaving, so as to NOT cause problems, because I know he hates me. So, y'know, not my friggin' fault. Then I was told many different times that he IS going out with Monica. I was told that he DID go to her house after U.B. I was told they were very happy and together all the time. Well, guess what Sissy said! She said that he never went to her house, that they just dropped Thaddeus off somewhere that Dean could pick Thaddeus up. She said that he never went to her house. She said that they weren't dating and that she barely even went to Mark's anymore. She said that he didn't talk to anyone other than Mark on the phone and he didn't go to any one's house other than Mark's. She said that the only reason that he said I was too mature was because everyone else kept telling him that. Everyone else told him I was too old, and he let them influence him. My mom told Sissy that he needed to take into account what people were probably saying to me, and that it would most likely have been much, much worse than just "He's too young." And, trust me, it was. Everyone had horrible things to say about me because of him, and I never let it bother me. I never took into account the way I was seen by everyone else by dating him. The only time I didn't care what people thought, and the only time he did. Hm...Irony?? Yes, my favorite literary device. Irony. Yes, it was a very knowledgable night, and I learned quite a bit, not only about that situation, but many others. It was interesting.

AHAHAHAHA...

AHAHAHAHAH!!!! GUYS DRIVE ME CRAZY! THEY'RE PSYCHO! THEY SAY WE'RE HARD TO READ, TO UNDERSTAND! SCREW THAT! THERE'S NO WAY! I AM SO FRIGGIN' CONFUSED RIGHT NOW! THERE IS NO WAY! I GIVE UP! ON LIFE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I WONDER IF THAT WOULD MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY IF I JUST DIDN'T LIVE ANYMORE!! WOULD IT? WOULD THAT MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY???!?!?!?!?!?!?anyway, duval lost bad to harts, aaron's pretty, dork is confusing and a big liar, i still refuse to admit that there is a thing called valentine's day, and, also, today is not it! TODAY IS FRIDAY THE FRIGGIN' 13TH!

okay, I just got ...

okay, I just got done playing like, 3 games of bowling with Jessica. I won 2, btw. But as soon as I got done bowling, I turned on Jay Leno. He's like, one of the best late night hosts, even though I lurve Kilbourn so much more! The only problem with Leno is that his chin reminds me of *~hers~*. Identical. But I turn it on and there's a pregnant woman sitting there. She said, "Thaddeus" something or other. and Jay goes, "So, you're husband is Thaddeus. Thaddeus is an odd name. I don't know many Thaddeus'." Then he names off one or two. She says, "Well, Thaddeus is an odd name, but Thaddeus is a family name. My great grandfather was Thaddeus, my grandfather was Thaddeus, My dad was Thaddeus, My husband is Thaddeus, and My Brother is Thaddeus. I refuse to name any of my children Thaddeus. Thaddeus will not be a name for my family." and that continued for a full five minutes. I was just staring at the television screen, not even blinking the entire time. As soon as that exchange was finished, I turned it. I am now boycotting Jay Leno.

DECEMBER:Loya...

DECEMBER:Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.WEll, I don't know how to do all that other stuff, but lena's journal has it all...I'm honest and trustworthy, love attention, love to be loved, hate restrictions, impatient, loyal, i like to think i'm sexy, and fun to be with. I don't take pride in myself and i'm not active in games. I AM NOT LOGICAL! NEVER HAVE BEEN, NEVER WILL BE! I HATE LOGIC!but, yea, most of it's pretty true. Loyal like a dog.

I ca...

I can't control this I can't control this I can't control thisI can't control this I can't control this I can't control thisI can't control this I can't control this I can't control thisI can't control this I can't control this I can't control thisI can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this I can't control this!!And I blame it all on him. I only get sick when I see him in an unscheduled instance, such as the game. I don't know why, but I always get sick after an unexpected meeting, fight, anytime I see him. I can't control it! I don't know why I get so sick! I don't like being sick! I don't make myself sick! I'm not anorexic or anything! I force myself to eat, even when I'm not hungry! I can't loose weight, for if I do, I'll end up in the hospital, because I'm already underweight! I'm not forcing this on myself, and I don't know how to stop it! And it's obviously not one of those things that I can just make go away. Sure, I've been able to hold it back a little, but it just gets worse and worse until I make myself so sick that I can't move! I force myself to pretend I'm not sick, and force myself to pretend I'm not being bothered by him or my stomach, but both just fester and cause more damage than good in the end. I don't know how to make my stomach stay calm when I see him. Just like I have no clue how to force my heart not to beat a little faster, or a smile to come to my face when I'm not remembering that I'm not supposed to care about him anymore. I don't know how to do this. I'm trying to just forget and get over it and not let it bother me...But didn't someone say once that hiding things doesn't solve problems, that it just makes everything worse??I don't know how to correct this.

I'm so very sle...

I'm so very sleepy. I have a sleep headache, but I was awoken by my mother walking in my room to turn off my television and my light. I was having a nice little dream about falling asleep in the arms of Draco Malfoy, with my brother (who just happened to be Ronald Weasley) lying next to me with a girl who looked quite a bit like a brunette cheerleader. And there was a teacher that was strict and corrupt, and I think it was Snape, but he wasn't very greasy. He was very clean, and also had a girl there. We were all just lying there, watching Lizzie McGuire and I was teasing Draco, cuz I was lying on his chest and he wasn't wearing a shirt, so I was biting and licking and stuff like that. Then the phone rang for me, and the cheerleader answered it and the conversation went, "Hello? Crystal, oh, yes, she's right here." and she handed me the phone and lizzie mcguire went off and I woke up cuz it I heard someone behind me. I looked up and my mom said "Go back to sleep." and I kind of whimpered when I said, "It's too late." Gosh, it was so great. I lurve me Drakey Wakey!

My poetry, written mostly in 10th grade. Not much has changed.

Burning BrightIn the NightHate in sightTurn out he lightDie in frightscream loud, with all your might.Hate the lighthate the sighthate the nightfire brighthate the frighthate the rightscream again, with all your might.___________________However you see me,I no longer care.You can’t hurt meSo go on, stare.You’re never going to like me, and I’ll never fit in.You’re not going to change me,I’m the same as I’ve always been.I’ll do what I like,do what I want,do what’s right,and not be what I’m not._____________________My world has changed.Nothing’s the same.Pain took over.Nothing’s as tame.They ask, “What’s happened?”I can’t really say.All I know isI don’t want to stay.Where was everyone?When I needed them?Where was everyone?When I couldn’t comprehend?My world is in shambles,ripped to shreds.What happened?Where were my friends?________________________The tear stained pillows lieunder the headof the girl who no longer cares.The blankets strewn all over the blue carpeted floorwith no concern for the air conditioner on high.The girl that doesnt think she deserves to liveto die.The girl whowears a fake smile andlaughs at what is not funny.The girl who is notpretty enoughsmart enough.The girl that doesnt want to live butdoesnt know how to end it.This girl liesslightly breathingon her tear stained pillows.

The Ex-Duvalian Drug Dealer

Okay, So I've become completely obsessed with finding a certain ex-duvalian drug dealer. I've tried to find anything to keep my mind off the cheating asshole that was my first boyfriend, so I took to reading old journals and looking through old notebooks. I remembered him so well. I remembered his voice and his hair, his jokes and his flirtatious nature, that he happened to have only with me, though. I remembered Kings Island, and Blennerhassett Island. I remembered Lena and I complimenting him on his butt. I don't remember even looking, though. I remember talking to him all the way home from the Island, and I remember a few days later, Shalena saying he was staring at me as I walked away, and...Wow...I remember how perfect everything was if I got to talk to him. The amazing thing is I remember that feeling. It was...not happiness...not love...Peace? Maybe. I don't know. I just remember him so well....Now I'm trying to think of ways to find him. Donnie, maybe? His cousin would definitely know where he was, wouldn't he? But Donnie's not all there, and I'm not trying to be mean. It's just a fact--he's in special ed, along with his younger sister, Jaime. I don't know how much they would know though, I mean, their grandmother probably doesn't keep them in touch with him.Josh also had other ties to Duval. Some not as obvious as others. There's always the Sellers sisters, but I would have to be a complete psycho to inquire about him to either of those girls. Unfortunatley, the one that I am completely convinced would be very well aquainted with the boy's whereabouts is the one person at Duval that frightens me more than any other entity in this universe--The Wiley, with the power of God and The Look that can kill.Would I be stupid enough?? Would I be brave enough?? Would I be obsessed enough?? Would I be ambitious enough?? I say no to two, yes to two. Which two will take over, I wonder? Ask again in a week...

The Ex-Duvalian Drug Dealer

Okay, So I've become completely obsessed with finding a certain ex-duvalian drug dealer. I've tried to find anything to keep my mind off the cheating asshole that was my first boyfriend, so I took to reading old journals and looking through old notebooks. I remembered him so well. I remembered his voice and his hair, his jokes and his flirtatious nature, that he happened to have only with me, though. I remembered Kings Island, and Blennerhassett Island. I remembered Lena and I complimenting him on his butt. I don't remember even looking, though. I remember talking to him all the way home from the Island, and I remember a few days later, Shalena saying he was staring at me as I walked away, and...Wow...I remember how perfect everything was if I got to talk to him. The amazing thing is I remember that feeling. It was...not happiness...not love...Peace? Maybe. I don't know. I just remember him so well....Now I'm trying to think of ways to find him. Donnie, maybe? His cousin would definitely know where he was, wouldn't he? But Donnie's not all there, and I'm not trying to be mean. It's just a fact--he's in special ed, along with his younger sister, Jaime. I don't know how much they would know though, I mean, their grandmother probably doesn't keep them in touch with him.Josh also had other ties to Duval. Some not as obvious as others. There's always the Sellers sisters, but I would have to be a complete psycho to inquire about him to either of those girls. Unfortunatley, the one that I am completely convinced would be very well aquainted with the boy's whereabouts is the one person at Duval that frightens me more than any other entity in this universe--The Wiley, with the power of God and The Look that can kill.Would I be stupid enough?? Would I be brave enough?? Would I be obsessed enough?? Would I be ambitious enough?? I say no to two, yes to two. Which two will take over, I wonder? Ask again in a week...

Just wrote this, posted it on fiction press....wanted to put it on something more....private?

The blood flowed freely, and the young red head knew that these marks would be incredibly hard to cover by morning. She didn't care, though. All that mattered was the burning sensations the small pin was making and the smaller traces of blood she could barely see, willing her to go just a little deeper. She knew that this was wrong, that these scratches shouldn't make her feel better. They stung so bad, but made her whole world feel better. They opened her, like she used to be, open to the entire world. She didn't like to hide, to pretend to be what she wasn't, but that was what she had been doing for a little over a month, and she couldn't handle it any longer. The scratches somehow made her herself again, even if it only lasted for a few seconds while the needle gently slipped over her delicate skin, like a ballpoint pin on thin paper. Her thoughts wondered as she kept scraping mercilessly. "They all call me Ms. Perfect, Ms. Wonderful," she thought as she made an H in the midst of the white and red that she no longer saw as her skin, but as her canvas. With an A came the thought, "I'm always so sickeningly sweet and so fake." And a T brought, "But I can see through it all." Next, an E finally broke the skin as an "I hate him," came flooding out of her tears. But instead of another H to continue her masterpiece, she produced another M below the A. She could feel her emotions, flowing slowly out of these scrapes, like cold air out of a new air conditioner on the hottest day of the summer. It felt so good as she drew another E, and finally, the tears came to an anticlimactic close. She felt, if only for a few seconds, she felt it all end, and it felt so good. Yea, she knew that these marks would be hard to cover the next day. She had never done anything like that, and how could anyone hide the words "HATE ME" tattooed over their perfectly freckled, small, and pale arm? Long sleeves it was, it was winter. And nobody cared anyway.

Just wrote this, posted it on fiction press....wanted to put it on something more....private?

The blood flowed freely, and the young red head knew that these marks would be incredibly hard to cover by morning. She didn't care, though. All that mattered was the burning sensations the small pin was making and the smaller traces of blood she could barely see, willing her to go just a little deeper. She knew that this was wrong, that these scratches shouldn't make her feel better. They stung so bad, but made her whole world feel better. They opened her, like she used to be, open to the entire world. She didn't like to hide, to pretend to be what she wasn't, but that was what she had been doing for a little over a month, and she couldn't handle it any longer. The scratches somehow made her herself again, even if it only lasted for a few seconds while the needle gently slipped over her delicate skin, like a ballpoint pin on thin paper. Her thoughts wondered as she kept scraping mercilessly. "They all call me Ms. Perfect, Ms. Wonderful," she thought as she made an H in the midst of the white and red that she no longer saw as her skin, but as her canvas. With an A came the thought, "I'm always so sickeningly sweet and so fake." And a T brought, "But I can see through it all." Next, an E finally broke the skin as an "I hate him," came flooding out of her tears. But instead of another H to continue her masterpiece, she produced another M below the A. She could feel her emotions, flowing slowly out of these scrapes, like cold air out of a new air conditioner on the hottest day of the summer. It felt so good as she drew another E, and finally, the tears came to an anticlimactic close. She felt, if only for a few seconds, she felt it all end, and it felt so good. Yea, she knew that these marks would be hard to cover the next day. She had never done anything like that, and how could anyone hide the words "HATE ME" tattooed over their perfectly freckled, small, and pale arm? Long sleeves it was, it was winter. And nobody cared anyway.

Just wrote this, posted it on fiction press....wanted to put it on something more....private?

The blood flowed freely, and the young red head knew that these marks would be incredibly hard to cover by morning. She didn't care, though. All that mattered was the burning sensations the small pin was making and the smaller traces of blood she could barely see, willing her to go just a little deeper. She knew that this was wrong, that these scratches shouldn't make her feel better. They stung so bad, but made her whole world feel better. They opened her, like she used to be, open to the entire world. She didn't like to hide, to pretend to be what she wasn't, but that was what she had been doing for a little over a month, and she couldn't handle it any longer. The scratches somehow made her herself again, even if it only lasted for a few seconds while the needle gently slipped over her delicate skin, like a ballpoint pin on thin paper. Her thoughts wondered as she kept scraping mercilessly. "They all call me Ms. Perfect, Ms. Wonderful," she thought as she made an H in the midst of the white and red that she no longer saw as her skin, but as her canvas. With an A came the thought, "I'm always so sickeningly sweet and so fake." And a T brought, "But I can see through it all." Next, an E finally broke the skin as an "I hate him," came flooding out of her tears. But instead of another H to continue her masterpiece, she produced another M below the A. She could feel her emotions, flowing slowly out of these scrapes, like cold air out of a new air conditioner on the hottest day of the summer. It felt so good as she drew another E, and finally, the tears came to an anticlimactic close. She felt, if only for a few seconds, she felt it all end, and it felt so good. Yea, she knew that these marks would be hard to cover the next day. She had never done anything like that, and how could anyone hide the words "HATE ME" tattooed over their perfectly freckled, small, and pale arm? Long sleeves it was, it was winter. And nobody cared anyway.

i'm so fr...

i'm so friggin' miserable in my life right now....I feel like i have no one. I feel like I've lost everything and everyone over the past 2 weeks....Exactly 2 weeks right now....I'm not going to cry again. I haven't cried this week. I'm not going to cry now. I'm always so miserable. I have no feelings, other than misery. I try to hide it. I run around at lunch, biting people, laughing with the people who will actually talk to me, which are all younger bandies, TRYING to act like I'm over this, TRYING to act like I don't care that he's always there. Trying to act like I can sit there and feel like I'm part of a group, part of a crowd. Trying to act like I'm real, and that I believe that this situation is real. I try to act like I don't think that he'll realize his mistake and come back to me. Damn it! I said I wouldn't cry. I have no one. I have nothing. I am no one. I am nothing...WHY CAN'T I JUST FUCKIN' DIE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! THAT'S ALL I WANT, THAT'S ALL I'VE EVER WANTED, THAT'S ALL THAT CAN MAKE THIS GO THE FUCK AWAY, THAT'S ALL THAT CAN MAKE ME FUCKIN' HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!! the only time I was ever happy was when I was with him, I need him! No one else has ever cared. No one else ever felt the need to talk to me, no one wants to be near me, and honestly right now, I don't want to be near anyone else. I just wish that every now and then I could feel something other than pain. I just wish I could make it all go away, just make it my life just go away....that's all i've ever wanted....even in fourth and fifth grades, all I wanted to do was die. I knew even then that I'd never amount to anything. I'd never be pretty, or popular, or have good grades, or be anywhere near the status of Felicia, or BreAnn, or Jessica Coy, or Lena, or anyone. I've never equalled any of them, and I never will. I mean, how fuckin' pathetic is an 18 year old girl whose first boyfriend, who happens to be only 14, just cheated on her, then broke up with her after four months??? There's nothing out there for someone as pathetic and stupid as me, so why should I continue???

AUGH!!!!

you just don't know how horribly frustrating this is getting! It still doesn't seem real, you know? I really still can't believe that it's over, and it's annoying! I just keep thinking about him and me and kissing and...well, other stuff...I just keep wishing that I could still do that stuff...I miss that stuff...But now we're not together, so we can't do stuff anymore. No stuff, no kissing, no holding hands, no touching, flirting, hell, everyone's told me I shouldn't even be talking to him, but I can't bloody well help it, now can I?? I don't want to completely lose him! I don't want to lose him at all, and I can't help but still believe that there is some way, some little thing, that I can do to make him come back to me...A certain way that he wants me to be, something I can say, anything to keep him as mine! I mean, I really can't digest this information, because it just doesn't seem real!! It isn't real, it can't be, but I know it is! I HATE REALITY!!! I wish that I could just dream all the time about me n him...then I wouldn't have to face that we're not together anymore...that I can't kiss him, touch him, feel him....I need his touch...It makes me happy, the only thing that's ever made me happy is his touch, his kiss, his love...I miss him....

I just don't know ...

I just don't know what to do. I think thaddeus is cheating on me. I have to talk to him and I have to ask him about what all mark told me, but i can't get ahold of him at all. Sissy and Debbie both told me that they'd tell him to call me ASAP but it hasn't happened yet.And I don't know what to do about Mark. I don't know how to get ahold of Kaela to tell her that she really needs to get rid of that jerk. I mean, how can he be going out with her and tell me that he loves me???? I just don't know what to do! and i can't post any of this on my blurty because that is not the way that I want kaela to find out that her boyfriend is a major asshole. I need to get ahold of her, but I can't. I can't get ahold of anyone. I'm supposed to go to hinkles tonight, but I don't think I'll feel up to it. i mean, I'm probably going to be breaking up with my boyfriend tonight. I can't cheer up enough to have fun right after and I'll just bring everyone else down.

nobody cares....

since no one on my blurty name cares anymore and no one wants to read about my life and if i write anything, they yell and scream and get mad, i give. i'm writing on here from now on, cuz this is a much better site and none of my so called "friends" are on here. They said they were going to try to talk to me. But they didn't. They don't want to, just like I told thaddeus. They don't care and they hate me. They still have that stupid petition and THEY HATE ME!! i'm going to try to call the bet off cuz i'm just too depressed to do anything like that. I just want to talk to thaddeus cuz he's the only one that cares anymore....I wish I knew what i did wrong.

but.....

ok, i'm sitting here, trying to figure out what to do tomorrow, y'know, about him....i don't wanna talk to him, cuz it'll hurt to much....the tears are on my cheeks right now, but i know they'll come back cuz they always do....I want to ask him if he's telling the truth when he tells me he loves me. I want to know what he really feels, cuz I don't think it's love, or he wouldn't make me hurt so much. He knows I really care about him, but it still doesn't seem to penetrate that hard head of his that I don't want to hear about *~Monica~*...I don't want to know about that skanky brat--unless he's telling me that he's broken up with her.I want to let him know that if he's not breaking up with her, then we need to cool it down, but he'll think it's only bcuz of her and it's not. It's cuz it's hurting me, really bad. I mean, to be crying over this, after not crying over my great aunt dying, it has to be serious. I don't want to cry. I shouldn't have believed anything that he said. He's A LIAR! A CHEAT! A JERK! I HATE HIM! I DO!...but i don't and that's where the "I hate myself" comes in. I'm ugly and stupid and skanky and idiotic, and every other insult that I can't think of right now cuz I'm too upset to think. I wanna just take a bottle and beat him over the head with it, then just collapse in his arms crying. I just.....i just hate this....

Gr, I hate my luck!

ok, first, I got back Sunday after noon from Florida, fun, fun, lemme tell ya! ok, I hate Thaddeus even more right now than I ever have, which is kinda hard to imagine, considering....but at least back then he hadn't told me that he had fallen in love with me....maybe I should just post my blurty in here...yea, that's a good idea....i think i'll do that....Ok, I wrote this Tuesday:****************Since I was little (well, I still am, but y'know what I mean) my biggest dream/fantasy has been to have my first "I love you" and/or my first kiss at Disney World. Well, my dream has come true! It was quite a trip to Florida, this past week was. It was a week of firsts, and a week of well....wow, it was just a wow week! I left last week with no guy, no crushes, no past romances, nothing....i came back with my first kiss, a wonderful guy who has told me he loves me, a perfect life, and everything i've ever wanted.....First of all, as all my friends should know, I spent last week in Florida with my Upward Bound friends. We were going to visit most of Disney, plus cocoa beach and a few malls....I figured it would be fun to be with my friends and get to see mickey, but nothing out of the ordinary would happen. Big Event One: Bus air conditioner breaks down in Georgia, at 8 o'clock in the morning, exactly 12 hours after we set out on our "adventure." Bus 2 and 1 have NO COOL AIR! we eat at a mcdonalds while they attempt to fix both buses in a garage next door. Two hours later, bus 2, my bus, has air, but not bus 1, thaddeus, elisha, april, etc.'s bus...so we continue, them with no air, all the way to florida. When we arrive (about 3, 4 o'clock that day) we change to go eat. By one that morning, our 5 person room has downsized to 3 people. April moved to Elisha and Nicole's room, and Carrie moved out due to...ahem, disagreements about an event of the previous week....no need to indulge in details of *that*...Big Event Two: A Dance club called "The Groove"....WOW! I WANNA GO TO ANOTHER DANCE CLUB!!!!! the flashing lights, the crowded dance floor, the millions of guys!!!WOWOWOWOWOW! and i ended up dancing with thaddeus and matt the entire time....well, and the drunk guy that found me like, 5 times, but we shan't count him cuz he was drunk...by the end of the night, i had started to feel too much for a certain drummer and was again angry with myself, as this has happened many times before. I concluded that I needed to stay away from him for a few minutes, so when he put his arm around me, I told him not to touch me. I was rude, I'll admit that, but it was just to keep me from falling too fast. I couldn't help it....he told me to call him that night and left.Big Event Three: I did call that night. He asked me to tell him what was wrong and why I looked so sad when we were leaving. I told him i couldn't tell him. He asked if i'd tell him what was wrong if he told me what was wrong with him. I said i'd think about it, but it was doubtful....he started to tell me....he said something like "Here's the first two words, it's a seven word phrase." The first two words were "I Accidentally" and there were 5 words left. Ricco started yelling "She didn't call you to play figure it out, thaddeus!" and i said, "No, I didn't, for once the jerk is right. Now, tell me or I'm hanging up." And he said "I can't tell you tonight, there's too many guys sittin' here." So we got off the phone and I went to sleep. Stupid me thought it had something to do with his crush on april, but yea, stupid me!Big Event FOUR: On the bus the next day, which happened to be occupied by both bus 1 and 2, i began to think of possibilities. Suddenly the possibility of "I accidentally FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU" popped into my head. Well, I popped it back out, telling myself there was no way, and that i was stupid. Yea. When we got off the bus and started walking into the Magical Kingdom, he told what the remaining 5 words were. And I had been right. And he said "Can you tell me what was wrong with you now?" and I said "The same thing."So what next? What can be bigger than that? What exactly could be bigger than being told by someone that they love you in disney world--the magical kingdom to be exact?? well, just read on, my friends......Big Event FIVE!: The day we packed our stuff and moved out of our hotel, Ms. Cary decided we should go to Universal Studios. Then we found out we had a choice between Universal and Islands of Adventure. So Thaddeus, me, Nicole, BreAnna, jeremy, thaddeus, april, elisha, and a few others decided to go to Islands. On the walk over, April got mad cuz as hard as she was trying to keep me away from thaddeus, I just wasn't having it. She got angry and went to Universal. I got a little happier and we got in line for the Hulk. Fun ride, i'm tellin' ya. Whenever ya got a corkskrew inside a loop, it's a blast....especially when you've just rode you're first loop ride the week before. And you're "friend" drags you into the line for the front. Anyway, while we were in line *for an hour and a half* thaddeus kept having to push me away because he was too tempted to kiss me. About 15 minutes before we got on the ride, I asked him, "Exactly how much do you really want to kiss me?" and his answer was "too much." Not much happened for a while. After the ride, we went to eat. Fun with whipped cream.....anyway, after eating, we went to Jarassic Park. We (being me, Jessi, Nysha, Deanna, and Nicole) started playing in a playground...with little kids.... We started walking around and we found a cave. I said "look, thaddeus, a dark place with lots of corners." he replied, "That I can not be alone with you in." and refused to go into the cave. We played in the giant net thingy that i didn't like. Thaddeus and I got seperated from everyone else....We found them pretty quick, though. Deanna was playing in a little thing that squirted water up at you. I stood beside a little hole and it spit at me. Nysha dragged me down to a thing where there were people at the top and people at the bottom and 4 things on either side that squirted water at people. Thaddeus dragged me in and a cute guy with muscles squirted me with water while thaddeus held me in place. Interesting how no one helped me. Thaddeus tried to drag Nysha in, but she fell on her bad knee and it started swelling. We left (after everyone got soaked, especially me) and started walking to another cave. I should mention that when thaddeus and I got seperated from everyone else, he asked me if I really did want to go in a cave with him. He also said by answering that, I'd be answering 2 quesitons. I said yes. But when we got to the cave, Nysha was angry with thaddeus and she began chasing him. Into the cave they went. Up the little block things, all the way to the top. Jessi and I sat there, awaiting the return of our other 4 people. A few minutes later, a very terrified thaddeus jumped up the blocks again and Nysha came through, but instead of following, she yelled up, "I'm going to the bathroom, but I'll be back!" So, Nysha, Deanna, Nicole, and Jessi left. I said I'd wait there. Thaddeus came back through and started to jump back up the blocks, but I told him they had left. I believe that all my friends can imagine what happened next. We went into another part of the cave exploring, and found that that cave had a lot of little kids. We were sitting in a little tunnel thing and just talking. He asked if i would feel too guilty if he kissed me. I told him no. He came around to my side of the tunnel and stood in front of me. He asked if I was sure I wanted to do this. I said, "If I didn't, would I be sitting in the dark cave with you, dork?" He sat down beside me and leaned in. He kissed once, kissed twice, stopped. I just smiled. I really can't remember what was said for a few minutes after that. I felt like I was floating. A few minutes later, I decided Nicole and our group had been gone too long and we were still alone in a cave. What would someone think we were doing if they found us???? so, we went to find them. When we couldn't we joined another group. We split off from that group soon after with Matt. Elisha joined us on the way to the entrance so we could leave. I took pictures of "The Groove" while we waited on everyone else. I also told Elisha, Nicole, Carrie, and April, even though I told April she DID NOT want to know, but she insisted, so now she's mad at both of us. I could care less, but Thaddeus is upset about it. On the way back to the bus at Cocoa Beach a few hours later, he said "Everyone is going to be so mad at me. James is mad because you're four years older than me, my mom and dad will be mad, monica will be mad, mark will be mad, just everyone's going to be so pissed." And I got mad and speed up after saying "Yea, everything is my fault, I'm just a horrible person!" He pulled me back to him and said "But I'm not regretting any of it. Let them be mad. I don't care." Before getting off the bus at Cocoa Beach, he put his wallet, watch, and my bracelet he broke (guess what kind--it's plastic and silver and guys enjoy breaking them...) up in the overhead compartment above me. When I got back on the bus, I got his stuff, cuz his bus had came and picked all them up. I wrote him a sweet little note saying I had his watch, his wallet, my bracelet, and his necklace and I was holding them ransom. I gave it to him when we got off to eat at Wendy's. After we ate, being to of the first to get done, he ran to my bus and started looking for everything in the overhead. Unfortunatley for him, everything was in my hand. He started begging me to at least give him his watch. I asked what I would get if I did. He leaned in and said "Something you got twice already today." I looked at him and said "There's too many people around and you don't want everyone to know." When I said that, I looked around and noticed that the ten or twenty people on the bus a few minutes before had cleared out and now there was 5. Me, Nicole, Thaddeus, Elizabeth, and Russell. The last two, being a couple, were engrossed in each other and nicole already knew. He sat in the seat in front of me and pulled me to the place where those two seats seperate and, while nicole was beside me saying "Ew, i can't believe you, omG!" he kissed me again, then looked at me and said "do you know how hard it is just to kiss you once?" I told him to get off the bus. That was one of the last times I talked to him during the trip. I miss him right now. ARGH! If he was just a year older, I wouldn't be so worried, but the illegality of the situation is just too much. I mean, i know nothing that could be considered statutory rape will happen, but still....if rumors get started, which i know they will.....and then there's monica and april..... ********************and this today:******************ok, i was dilusional. I was stupid, you all don't have to tell me that. I shouldn't have let my heart get in the way of my brain, again and again and again. I keep doing that and I really need to stop. I shouldn't have forgotten this past year while I was in a cave in an amusement park. I shouldn't have listened to the little idiot when he told me he had fallen in love with me. If I did listen, I should've lied about the way I felt. That way, none of this would hurt as much when the realization of EVERY THING being wrong with this situation hit me. But stupid me, i let all of that happen and now, I've been crying my eyes out and I feel like the stupidest person in the world. BTW: no one tell thaddeus my name on here, cuz I don't want him to read any of this. He knows I have a blurty journal, so he'll be asking. He called this morning--well, not this morning, but it still woke me up.... First time I've talked to him since breakfast on Sunday. He said he "thinx he's going to tell Monica just because they're already falling apart" and because he "told Mark to make him jealous and now Mark's going to tell if he doesn't." He's making me mad. VERY MAD! He kept talking about Monica when he knows I don't want to hear about Monica. He knows I have a concious that makes me feel very guilty at the least little thing and yet, he keeps talking and I keep telling him to stop, but it doesn't work, does it? And Cook forgot to send me the letter telling me about band practice (again). See, he forgot last year, too. I'm starting to think, since mine is the only letter he ever forgets, that he just doesn't want me to be in band. So, it's partially a good thing the little jerk called me this afternoon. I had practice Monday, but y'know, didn't know 'bout it. I have practice tomorrow, to help the little kids, and I have practice Friday, for everyone. I don't want to go cuz I don't want to see the little dork, but I do want to go cuz I do want to see him. I don't know, I'm mad, but I can't help it, but..... AUGH! GR! ANGRY! THROWING STUFF AROUND ROOM! SCREAMING! shoot, I get mad too easily....now I think I'm going to go cry..... ********************************and I'm so mad still, even though he called at 4 and it's now 8....and i don't think it's going to get much better b4 tomorrow when I have to see him....and...he....and...i'm pouty and that's never good.....

can't write a lot

i'm in the comp. lab at ub and i really can't write a lot right now cuz there's a lot of people here and i don't trust them, i just have to write a few things down.1: I HATE GUYS!! aaron is dating careah and chris is a loser. Thaddeus is a jerk and i can't stand jarrod. Hm...wow...2: I hate having roommates. 3: I hate dance teachers.4: I hate it when teachers won't let you make up work for your class even when your cousin has died.5: I hate everything6: I wanna go home.enough? well, i'm going to repeat that i hate guys cuz they all suck and i've been hurt again...well, gonna go now...buh-bye!

UB

Ok, I love Upward Bound, but I hate Upward Bound. I shoulda just gotten Nysha and April in it! No one else, I mean, other than jarrod and deanna, i didn't get them in. But there's just too many Duval people there. Thaddeus, well, he's just a spoilt snob. he's only tried to talk to me once and that was when i was so engrossed in watching eddie run up and down the basketball court that i was sitting away from everyone else and hadn't said a single word for an hour and a half. He says he isn't being a snob but he doesn't even talk to me when he's around carrie and april and nysha. he completely ignores me unless i grab his shoulders and yell "LISTEN TO ME!", which i actually had to do once. He's become totally obsessed with megan and i guess she's totally replaced me. o, well...Aaron is there....Aaron, aaron, aaron, aaron, aaron, aaron, aaron! I am so totally happy with him...well, i will be eventually. We've only really been talking for about two weeks, but according to people who see him when i'm not watching, he keeps watching me...SIGH SIGH! we walk from trig to the dorms with each other everyday. Usually everyone else leaves us and we just flirt all the way up there and it's so much fun and everyone's like, "you can tell he likes you, he watches you all the time and he flirts so bad" and i'm like trying to find reasons for it, but he waits on me after trig and sits behind me in history and it just feels so right, y'know, to be talking and flirting with him...ok, so he's no jd, i'll admit that....he's not even a serafin--well, i'm kinda happy bout that....but he's not really all that wow, hott, y'know, but he's cute and sweet and everything i really want in a guy, except he keeps cheerleading and i don't really like that. Everyone keeps saying they think he's gay, but I know he's not cuz brett told me about all his 'girl problems' and they were bad and he definitely likes girls, he just tries to stay away at the moment cuz they get him in BIGBIG trouble with his parents....i felt sorry for him....*sniff, sniff* I really wish the rumors about me and thaddeus would stop though, cuz i think they're making him back away a little cuz he thinks i'm taken. I hate those rumors and i almost cry everytime i hear them. That's another thing about thaddeus that is making me mad. I ate lunch with him one day and his little brat friend rico asked me if i was a virgin and thaddeus told him no i wasn't! that made me really mad and i still haven't forgiven him. and then rico keeps calling me little dork's girlfriend to make me mad and it made me so mad that i started crying and nysha (politely) told him to stop and he got all up in her face and all i could say was "Get. this. little. brat. away. RIGHT NOW!!" and he finally left after threatening to put a foot in nysha's face. I can't stand that little loudmouthed brat!but aaron is worth it all. Aaron and Disneyland! That's going to make it perfect! the fountain like corey and topanga! ah! that would be wonderful!ok, here's the part everyone will say "WHAT??!!" about. Yes, I know i have said there are certain schools that i will never date a guy from. Well, this is an acception. Aaron's a sophmore from Harts. But he acts so much more mature than most 10th graders and i can't be related to him cuz then i'm be related to bailey's who are related to wiley's who are related to serafins!!!!! and i'm not, so that's just it, i'm not!!!

everyone's b/s!

i'm tired of all of this, everyone fighting and everyone dragging me into it, but when i'm called a fake for no good reason (and trust me when i say i'm not) then it's NOT fine and dandy with me! No matter how scared i am that people are going to hate me for what i say and what i agree with and don't agree with, i do and say what is true to me and i can't stand it when people start crap because they don't like 1, just 1 person in a group that i talk to....so, i go out to the movies with that 1 person and i'm called a fake, even though i've known the person that called us that since the 1st grade! and i doubt she'll even be reading this because she took me off of her friends list completely, B4 I EVEN KNEW ANYTHING WAS WRONG! i can't stand it!!!! i know people have problems with breann! I have problems with breann! but i talk to her about them! I GET OVER IT!!!!!!! I COMPROMISE!!! I DON'T CALL ALL MY OTHER FRIENDS NAMES BCUZ I DON:T LIKE ONE FREAKING PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH! this has been happening since forever! Nothing's ever going to change! I'm tired of the controversey surrounding certain people and I wish it would just stopI don't want to lose the friendship with this person but they're too freakin' hard headed to know what's going on right in front of their faces! If someone is acting 'fake' then they need to tell that person or specify who they're talking about, not call everyone in the whole place 'fake.'This really freaking hurts. Everytime i get everything back to normal and back to the way things need to be, something goes wrong and it usually has to do with the same few people. I'm not blaming them, i'm blaming myself. The people i've known the longest are always the ones to hurt me, take me for granted and use me. Well, i'm not taking it anymore. I am part of that group and no matter how much she tries to freakin' clarify what she freakin' meant, i am one of those people she called "fake" She's been talking about me behind my back since she's had people that would talk back. Nyoka, danielle, emily--they were just the beginning. They hated me, so she did too. She followed the freakin' crowd. She didn't care what it did to me. She didn't care how much it would hurt our friendship and she still doesn't. She keeps sabatoging our friendship and i'm not going to be taken for granted anymore. Just because i've continually been there after everything that she's done to me, well, let's just say no more!And the whole thing about people and prom and her. She had to have known how much certain things would hurt me when she said them!!! if she didn't she's stoopid! One day, we were on switching buses at woodville and she was all mad at "the group" as usual. Well, it was a few days before prom and she was like "I'm not going to prom" and I said "No, you can't skip prom, you're like, my best friend and it won't be any fun without you!" and she said, "Well, since timmy's not going, i'm going to go out and party with him. He already said it was ok"Timmy was supposed to be my date to prom. he had cancelled a few days before because his "aunt wouldn't allow it" And then my 'best friend' makes a comment like that. She knew that i was really upset about him cancelling. I had just like, completely cried all the way home the day that he had told me. And then she says something like that. It felt like a stab, not in the back, but right in the heart. And then a twist straight through. So what am I supposed to do when my so-called "best friend" calls me a fake??!!! There's nothing I can do but be hurt, angry, upset....

and the watergates open...

i know it hasn't been that long since i wrote...what like, 5 minutes, but it's started...They're leaving me...it's all over. I don't want it to end...I depend on Kasey and Hinkle...I don't have that many people I can really DEPEND on...i mean, i have friends, but none that are sympathetic to me...most look at me like i'm stupid or tell me that i'm stupid...now they're leaving like josh, just like serafin, and i'll never see them again, or they'll be like my brothers and i'll only see them when something really important has happened in their life, and they won't care what's happened in mine...i'll never see any of them and i don't think i can do this next year too...i mean, i've known tira, hinkle, kasey, and chrissy since forever, but they're are so many more that i'll never get a chance to really know, cuz i just started to talk to them this year: Micah for example...i mean, i know him pretty well, but i know that we could be so much better friends...I'd like to get to know Cade, CJ, Daphne, Micheal, Cobb, all of them, but now i can't and there's really no use...I don't want to be a senior...I need Kasey in band, and I need hinkle to make me feel not so ditzy and i don't think our little group will hold together very tightly without the seniors...I think kasey is the only reason we're not split down the middle and hating each other...I don't think i'll be eating w/ bre and kida and goose next year, cuz i don't really know them all that well anymore...i never really knew goose, kida only talks to me when she wants something and bre only talks to me when she wants someone to boss around...i don't think next year will be as good as this year...no, correction: I KNOW next year will NOT be anywhere NEAR as good as this year, cuz my classes suck, my friends will be gone, no one will care, and it'll be right back to 9th grade, depression and HATRED of all...I HATE DUVAL! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! i don't want to ever go back! NEVER EVER EVER! it's never going to be the same without the seniors, no matter how much i hate most of them, they have to be there for me to consider it to be DUVAL! and they won't be...Josh, Josh, Josh, Brandon, Brandon, Brooke, Crystal, Michelle, Ashley, Thomas, Matt, all of them make a big difference in my learning enviroment, and I HAVE TO HAVE THEM THERE! right now, josh's picture is on my computer desk in it's neat little frame and it's just making the tears come faster. His beautiful big blue eyes, his pouty lips, his wonderfully styled blond hair, the plaid shirt, oh, he's so much of my life, no matter how much i want to admit it...I don't want to say that I'm in love with him, cuz carrie told me once, it takes two to be in love, but only one to love...I think i love him, but i'm not letting myself sink back into that total obsession that i had in the lower grades, I just couldn't do that to myself...the depressions I would go into when i didn't see him, crying over him every single night, I can't let myself do that again, never again, especially when i know I'll never see him again, and even if i did, i wouldn't have a chance with him...he likes girls with blond hair and big boobs...and that is NOT me...Nobody likes the redhead goodygoody...I don't wanna be the redhead goody goody anymore....I don't want to be like kida either, though...I don't want to be me...I want to start it all over, go back to the 7th grade...I wish I had then what i have now, even if it's still not much...I have only a bit more confidence now, but it would be enough to change a lot...I would be a lot higher in the hierarchy of the high school kingdom if i had had the confidence and bravery that i have now...I wish I never went to school here...It would make my life so much easier not to know the josh's and to not know...well, basically, any of these people...none of them really care....they only care about themselves, i'm not important enough to hold anyones attention for more than five minutes....especially not josh or jd's or even terrance or john...what's the use? I tell myself that I don't care, that they're not important, but seriously, how long can I lie to myself about that?I can't wait til UB. The Performing arts class makes me feel so wonderful, y'know, being on stage as someone else, turning into someone else completely...being that babysitter who is pretty enough to get the guy...being the druggy who's not such a total goodygoody that they won't do something to make herself feel better...well, i need to go indulge myself in a fanfiction about someone else's fucked up lives in order to take my mind off of mine and keep out of the reality world for a while...i can't stay there for very long at a time without searching for an overdose....

last day for seniors...and senior pictures.

omg! today was awesome! everything has happened this year and i really don't wish it to end! i mean, i got an office in student council. i've talked to every 'crush' i've ever had at that school. I've passed AP (well, yet to see actually happen, but let's keep our finger's crossed) I've become friends with everyone. I'm so loved and I SPOKE TO JOSH WALKER 2 TIMES TODAY! twice! for his senior picture and name card...he gave me a name card...not carrie, not lena (hahahaha, i know she'll read this!) not even TRISTA! ME!!! MEMEMEMEME!! AHAHAHAH! honest, i need to calm down cuz i don't need to be this happy over him. He's not worth this much AH! o, god, but he's hot! he's so wonderful! just as long as his mouth stays shut! actually, that's ok, too, now that he's toned down the ego. He's so...*~sigh~*!!! and i promised myself to make sure i didn't see him that way ever again! he handed me the picture through the bus window and i was shaking. I said, "Thanks, Josh!" and turned to go back to my seat. Obviously, Crystal the DITZY (better known as ME!) had no control whatsoever on her stupid mouth and she screamed (squealed, very high pitched) as soon as he turned around...he heard, he looked back! I..I...I LUV IT! I mean, not as if he'll see me ever again after next saturday! He (should) graduate...let's hope to God that this guy got passing grades, cuz if he didn't, i'm gonna die! I can't have class with him after that! ok, so i've been through every friend inflicted type of torturous humiliation, but never has it been self inflicted, as today's was. i wasn't supposed to do that. I didn't mean to...I shook all the way home and no one else was allowed to hold the picture. Not even lenie! I gonna make her a copy, though, on my 'puter...and i'm gonna print out like, 2 pages of wallet sized, then about 2 full page pictures, and omg, i'm so obsessed! Someone help me down off of this walker high! What a time to need a cute guy! AHAHAHAHAHAH!!! I wonder where i can find one of those....or if brooke would loan me jd for a week or two...just to get my mind offa walker...yea, ur right, i doubt it, too!

love

i now have a new/old crush...there's a lot of people sitting in this library that would kill me if they found out. deadly crush. deadly i tell ya! deadly! especially since i have a class with him...in which i have a friend that would absolutely and completely embarrass me as much as possible...she just guessed it. yes, lena, josh. ok, i gotta go now...before anyone else sees this!

love

i now have a new/old crush...there's a lot of people sitting in this library that would kill me if they found out. deadly crush. deadly i tell ya! deadly! especially since i have a class with him...in which i have a friend that would absolutely and completely embarrass me as much as possible...she just guessed it. yes, lena, josh. ok, i gotta go now...before anyone else sees this!

i...

i don't know what's going on with me....a) right after the last time i wrote, i quit majorettes. completely and totally quit. that was like, what a month ago? our sponser/instructor just found out and now i'm back on the squad. b) brandon farmer is gone...he quit school and is going to boot camp. i mean, i don't really care, but y'no my life is like boring w/o him to make selbe's life pure hell.....c) i don't care about the 7th grade guys ne more...they're just some of my best friends, which is good, cuz i don't have many ne more.d)josh....just...josh...i can't believe i'm letting myself do this again. it's just....i still miss him...i don't know what he's doing or where he's at, i don't know if he's dead or in jail or out on the street somewhere....but it's been 14 months and i really really miss him so much more now than i did. i don't no y...i was supposed to be over him. i was supposed to forget about him....but diana has been talking about ricky so much, and i don't know why but ricky and diana just make me think of josh....and i started crying today in 4th....i tried to forget about it, but i gave up around 6th pd.i cried for an hour and a half after school. i tried to stop, but i couldn't....a few minutes ago i got on forward garden and started to look at quotes....they all remind me of josh...so i started crying....and i don't know...i just wanted to go to the kitchen and get a knife....i kno i would never do something like that, but i could feel it going straight thru my arm and just everything leaving, no more pain...no more emotion...i'm already dead inside of me....i was dead 14 months ago....my life was over so long ago...but, y'know, my deal right now is fuck the world....nothing matters and i don't give a damn.Crystal Nichole(kurisutaru)I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care,I'm not supposed to live my life,wishing you were there,im not supposed to wonder,where you are & what you do,I'm sorry I cant help myself..im in love with you

it's ...

it's just like, whatever, y'know, i've felt like that all week....i've just been sittin' in my room, doing nothing, not thinkin' about jarrod and brandon and bre and britni and everything is just so much better that it has been for....well, since my brother was home the last time....with his ex...i don't know what's wrong with my stupid brother...i never will, i don't think i want to...he's had so many great girlfriends, but the more he gets, the less great they get....there was lisa, who still calls, visits, emails, tries to keep us up to date with my nephews life...now there's ranee...i don't think she's going to do that...ne of that...i have the feeling that after she and my brother broke up, we ain't gonna get to see my baby neice ne more, unless ranee trust lisa enough to bring her up here when she brings damien....but that ain't gonna happen, i don't know why i even bother to think about stuff like that, it's all my idiotic brother's fault that i have a neice and a nephew that i'll never get to see....i hate him more than ever, but how can i say that about one of the two people that raised me until i was 5...my two brothers raised me....my parents were always cleaning and working, my brothers taught me everything i know....they got f's in school, but still taught me how to read, how to write, how to do everything i knew until school...but now, they don't even know i still exist...they usually call up here to talk to my dad and get me instead...they make small talk for about half a minute and say "well, i'll talk to you later, bye!" as fast as possible....they probably don't even know i'm turning 16...they probably don't even care....well, in that case, i don't care about them! all week, though i have still been wishing that the phone would ring and it would be brandon....even though i know that would mean my dad hunting him down and killing him, i still so totally wish he'd call....i hate that i like him, especially with jarrod around...jarrod's the sweetest guy i know, but i mean, he's a 7th grader....that's a little to young for me....even though he is everything all the magazines describe as the 'perfect guy'....they forgot to mention the fact that the guy needs to be in a your age limit...which jarrod is not...now brandon, he's older than me, even though he's a year behind me in school, which is just fine with me...i mean, 9th grade isn't that bad....but 7th?? there's just no way! it's friday....on monday my week of freedom is over and i go back to school....i get to see brandon of a morning 0:> then put up with the brats throughout the day....then i've got to find a way to skip lunch so that i don't get sick again...alg. 2....shoot, just gotta survive that....(haha)....get through band, which i know we'll be practicing for the parade next week, which means, back 2 majorettes....my mom and docter told me that if it was stressing me out then i couldn't do it....i wish they'd make me quit because i can't bring myself to quit....i've never quit at ne thing even if i did suck at it this bad!!! well, i don't really suck, it's just britni and breann make me believe i'm the worst majorette in the world...which, i know i'm not....i've seen worse!!!! in the gym...definitely...i hate this!!!!! gr!!!! i don't wanna do it!! no! gosh! i'm whining again! i hate whining! well, i've got to go find some way to make my ice cold hands turn human again....Crystal Brandon LovesNichole ------

Brandon

Why am i letting myself do this again? I'm letting myself fall for a guy that i know will never feel the same way about me and i can't stop it. Well, i'm not letting myself fall, i'm trying to keep my balance as well as i cann but i don't now, he just keeps tripping me. He kept putting his hat on me this morning and like, totally flirting, but i know that he's just friend flirting, but to me it feels like more and i can't stand it. it's killing me inside and i just want this all to be over because i can't stand that he is 'with' all these other girls that i consider my best freinds....well, not all of them. sheila, yes, kristy, yes, britni , not if it kept me out of hell!!!! gosh, i hate him!! he's the normal always fallen for druggie bad boy and i'm the goody goody that always falls for the druggie bad boy!!! JGALKJGJALKFDSJGALKFDGHEAKIH REAIFTAJHLKFN RDAOIHJC"AOIF ADLKNF sjhf.kjg;hdsfkjg vrdjkds hkjfd noiufhad ;cjphd987ry he;riuy;rkjfhaskdjfskhfkjlds kI HATE Bvbglu fkjfgGuys suck, but they're just so damn hott!`Love can heal, love can hurt, so be smart n just flirt!Reality is an illusion, caused by lack of drugs.EVEN IF THE VOICES AREN'T REAL, THEY HAVE SOME REALLY GREAT IDEAS!I'm not a bytch, i am THE bytch, ur just mad cuz i'm not UR bytch!----That's what i'm gonna say 2 brandon next time he calls me a bitch, which he does quite often!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IF confusion is the first step to knowledge, then hell, i'm the smartest person in the universe!

i ...

i don't know what's going on with me....a) right after the last time i wrote, i quit majorettes. completely and totally quit. that was like, what a month ago? our sponser/instructor just found out and now i'm back on the squad. b) brandon farmer is gone...he quit school and is going to boot camp. i mean, i don't really care, but y'no my life is like boring w/o him to make selbe's life pure hell.....c) i don't care about the 7th grade guys ne more...they're just some of my best friends, which is good, cuz i don't have many ne more.d)josh....just...josh...i can't believe i'm letting myself do this again. it's just....i still miss him...i don't know what he's doing or where he's at, i don't know if he's dead or in jail or out on the street somewhere....but it's been 14 months and i really really miss him so much more now than i did. i don't no y...i was supposed to be over him. i was supposed to forget about him....but diana has been talking about ricky so much, and i don't know why but ricky and diana just make me think of josh....and i started crying today in 4th....i tried to forget about it, but i gave up around 6th pd.i cried for an hour and a half after school. i tried to stop, but i couldn't....a few minutes ago i got on forward garden and started to look at quotes....they all remind me of josh...so i started crying....and i don't know...i just wanted to go to the kitchen and get a knife....i kno i would never do something like that, but i could feel it going straight thru my arm and just everything leaving, no more pain...no more emotion...i'm already dead inside of me....i was dead 14 months ago....my life was over so long ago...but, y'know, my deal right now is fuck the world....nothing matters and i don't give a damn.Crystal Nichole(kurisutaru)I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care,I'm not supposed to live my life,wishing you were there,im not supposed to wonder,where you are & what you do,I'm sorry I cant help myself..im in love with you

it's jus...

it's just like, whatever, y'know, i've felt like that all week....i've just been sittin' in my room, doing nothing, not thinkin' about jarrod and brandon and bre and britni and everything is just so much better that it has been for....well, since my brother was home the last time....with his ex...i don't know what's wrong with my stupid brother...i never will, i don't think i want to...he's had so many great girlfriends, but the more he gets, the less great they get....there was lisa, who still calls, visits, emails, tries to keep us up to date with my nephews life...now there's ranee...i don't think she's going to do that...ne of that...i have the feeling that after she and my brother broke up, we ain't gonna get to see my baby neice ne more, unless ranee trust lisa enough to bring her up here when she brings damien....but that ain't gonna happen, i don't know why i even bother to think about stuff like that, it's all my idiotic brother's fault that i have a neice and a nephew that i'll never get to see....i hate him more than ever, but how can i say that about one of the two people that raised me until i was 5...my two brothers raised me....my parents were always cleaning and working, my brothers taught me everything i know....they got f's in school, but still taught me how to read, how to write, how to do everything i knew until school...but now, they don't even know i still exist...they usually call up here to talk to my dad and get me instead...they make small talk for about half a minute and say "well, i'll talk to you later, bye!" as fast as possible....they probably don't even know i'm turning 16...they probably don't even care....well, in that case, i don't care about them! all week, though i have still been wishing that the phone would ring and it would be brandon....even though i know that would mean my dad hunting him down and killing him, i still so totally wish he'd call....i hate that i like him, especially with jarrod around...jarrod's the sweetest guy i know, but i mean, he's a 7th grader....that's a little to young for me....even though he is everything all the magazines describe as the 'perfect guy'....they forgot to mention the fact that the guy needs to be in a your age limit...which jarrod is not...now brandon, he's older than me, even though he's a year behind me in school, which is just fine with me...i mean, 9th grade isn't that bad....but 7th?? there's just no way! it's friday....on monday my week of freedom is over and i go back to school....i get to see brandon of a morning 0:> then put up with the brats throughout the day....then i've got to find a way to skip lunch so that i don't get sick again...alg. 2....shoot, just gotta survive that....(haha)....get through band, which i know we'll be practicing for the parade next week, which means, back 2 majorettes....my mom and docter told me that if it was stressing me out then i couldn't do it....i wish they'd make me quit because i can't bring myself to quit....i've never quit at ne thing even if i did suck at it this bad!!! well, i don't really suck, it's just britni and breann make me believe i'm the worst majorette in the world...which, i know i'm not....i've seen worse!!!! in the gym...definitely...i hate this!!!!! gr!!!! i don't wanna do it!! no! gosh! i'm whining again! i hate whining! well, i've got to go find some way to make my ice cold hands turn human again....Crystal Brandon LovesNichole ------

Brandon

Why am i letting myself do this again? I'm letting myself fall for a guy that i know will never feel the same way about me and i can't stop it. Well, i'm not letting myself fall, i'm trying to keep my balance as well as i cann but i don't now, he just keeps tripping me. He kept putting his hat on me this morning and like, totally flirting, but i know that he's just friend flirting, but to me it feels like more and i can't stand it. it's killing me inside and i just want this all to be over because i can't stand that he is 'with' all these other girls that i consider my best freinds....well, not all of them. sheila, yes, kristy, yes, britni , not if it kept me out of hell!!!! gosh, i hate him!! he's the normal always fallen for druggie bad boy and i'm the goody goody that always falls for the druggie bad boy!!! JGALKJGJALKFDSJGALKFDGHEAKIH REAIFTAJHLKFN RDAOIHJC"AOIF ADLKNF sjhf.kjg;hdsfkjg vrdjkds hkjfd noiufhad ;cjphd987ry he;riuy;rkjfhaskdjfskhfkjlds kI HATE Bvbglu fkjfgGuys suck, but they're just so damn hott!`Love can heal, love can hurt, so be smart n just flirt!Reality is an illusion, caused by lack of drugs.EVEN IF THE VOICES AREN'T REAL, THEY HAVE SOME REALLY GREAT IDEAS!I'm not a bytch, i am THE bytch, ur just mad cuz i'm not UR bytch!----That's what i'm gonna say 2 brandon next time he calls me a bitch, which he does quite often!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IF confusion is the first step to knowledge, then hell, i'm the smartest person in the universe!