Wow. I haven'...

Wow. I haven't updated in so long (for good reason). I really don't know what to write. I'm doing so much better in my life. Well, in hiding in my life. Just two months of this torture left, I chant to myself as I sit on the big yellow transportation device that seniors should not be subjected to. I sit alone and sit alone and sit along, as I am surrounded by people. I don't fit in at that place and I don't think I want to. High school was always such a mystery and an allusion to me. I never saw the mean and the bratty and the stereotypical until now. But it's there, full blast. Even the ones who think they aren't, are. But I'm doing so much better in the romantic situation (or lack thereof). Sure, I still snap at him, and I still throw drumsticks at him, but he's the one who offered the ammunition. I don't know. I was able to hold a conversation with him and not cry after. That's a real first. And I'm so proud of myself for it. Like I told Sean, he was my first everything, and I'm always going to love him. But if he asked me to take him back right now, I couldn't. It's too late for us, and I knew that when we broke up. I didn't want to believe it, but I already knew. Making myself understand that was the biggest problem. I miss having him around, I miss talking to him, I miss kissing him, and even doing the other things that everyone else is so repulsed by. (I didn't find it so repulsive.)But I know that I wasn't the problem. That was another of the big problems. I thought I had done something, I was the cause of it. But I wasn't. I was the perfect girlfriend. I mean, I trusted him with her, alone. Many times. And I did just about everything in that "75 tips to make him crazy" article in Cosmo. Without the article. On my own. Without any guidance from him, or him requesting any of it. I never complained about doing anything, and I would've done anything else if he asked in the right way. I was the perfect friggin' girlfriend. I never said he couldn't talk to this girl, and I wasn't jealous of that girl. I never said he couldn't do this or that, I just wanted to be included in things. Which he never allowed me to be. I would've done anything and he didn't want me to, so it's his lose. He'll realize sooner or later that he's lost the best thing he'll ever have, and he'll come crawling back and I'll laugh in his face. So ha. Yea, I said I was doing better, not that I wasn't bitter.But now, I have a bigger problem. Before, I felt bad about telling someone I wouldn't go out with them because I didn't have any romantic feelings for them. Now I feel bad about it because I do. Gosh. I don't want to have feelings for this person, and it's complicating things so much. And I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH FLIRTING IS TOO MUCH!!! It's killing me! And I have no one to tell any of this to. No one to rant to. Which is why I'm writing this. I'm still not putting a name, though anyone could figure it out. It's a total DUH! Because not a lot of guys are interested in me. I've had 3 in the past...um, okay, my entire life, and they're all pretty open about it. So, now I know I can't do anything about these feelings. I can't do anything with this person, because I'm leaving in two months and it's utterly ridiculous to start a romance now. Stupid really. But I'm having real problems keeping away from it. I don't know how to avoid the situation, especially since I really don't have that many people around to distract from it.I'll have to figure out something that won't sacrifice the friendship. Well, that's what I'm trying to do, because I don't want a repeat of my last relationship. (If I had known it would end this way, I honestly wouldn't have gotten so involved with my best friend....I don't think...)Anyway, it's getting quite late for me, and I still have to download some things. Buh-bye, dearest Live Journal!