Well, I...

Well, I don't really know what to say. I know that once I start, it will all just tumble out, but that would probably take hours. And hours. And hours. Maybe not, but it shall take some time because a lot has happened and a lot more will. There are so many questions in my life right now. Should I? Can I? WIll I? Will he? Can we? What will everyone else say? That one I'm not so worried about, just as long as the opinions and yelling and screaming are kept to a minimum. Maybe I can just type the biggest part and everyone will understand what I'm saying. Not like anyone but Lena reads this journal, but that's the way I like it. Thaddeus told my mother on Friday, during our band pictures, that he made a mistake and has broken up with her. And that he has much deeper feelings for me than he originally thought. So my brain explodes in anger and my heart jumps into my throat as I hear that from my mom on the way home. The worst part is that's not the first time that day that I heard the "Still has feelings for you" part. I'm not technically acknowledging it, though, not until it is said from his mouth to my ears. There's no use, and I'm not the one that shall talk first. He's told the entire world, basically. Everyone, including my mother! But until he says something straight to me, I'm not mentioning it, I'm not letting him even know that I know.I do love him, I always have, and I feel that I always will. But does hat mean that I can trust him? No. Will he succeed in making me trust him again? I don't know, because I don't know how I ever can. But I'm willing to try. That's the first time I've wrote/said that. I don't know if I'll be able to. I just this week was able to have an actual conversation with him. And it's been 2 months and 6 days, and 13 hours. Yes, I counted. I always do. I have a small obsession with it. Everyone is OCD in some way. This is mine. But he said he made a mistake. He knows he made his mistake, that I knew way back the day that we broke up. I just accepted that it was over. Just now. And now he doesn't want it to be. AUGH! I don't know waht to do!