I don't ...

I don't know what I feel. Feelings aren't meant to be understood though. I want to copy and paste some parts of our instant message that I found...interesting to say the least. They've confused me, quite a bit. I know I can't do anything about it. I know I shouldn't care, or even acknowledge it. I know that I shouldn't be writing this. But getting my feelings out there makes it easier for them to subside. The faster they subside, the faster I can go back to avoiding and denying. I enjoy avoiding and denying. Two of the things I do best.CholericCadence9 [2:44 AM]: I drove home from Madison today, and my dad took me driving on Mud River after that! CholericCadence9 [2:44 AM]: And I can get my liscense this week! Thadman34 [2:45 AM]: wow! Thadman34 [2:45 AM]: thats.........unexpected CholericCadence9 [2:45 AM]: and the car is in one piece, with no dents and no scratches, and I didn't hit anything Thadman34 [2:45 AM]: thats amazing Thadman34 [2:46 AM]: lol Thadman34 [2:46 AM]: i knew you could CholericCadence9 [2:46 AM]: it's not really Thadman34 [2:46 AM]: i know ____________________________Thadman34 [3:23 AM]: i have a question CholericCadence9 [3:23 AM]: yes? Thadman34 [3:23 AM]: r u ready CholericCadence9 [3:23 AM]: for what? Thadman34 [3:23 AM]: r u sure your ready? Thadman34 [3:23 AM]: for the question CholericCadence9 [3:23 AM]: was that the question? Thadman34 [3:23 AM]: no Thadman34 [3:23 AM]: ok ok CholericCadence9 [3:23 AM]: ok, lol, sure, I'm ready Thadman34 [3:24 AM]: sure?? CholericCadence9 [3:24 AM]: yea Thadman34 [3:24 AM]: ok ............. Thadman34 [3:24 AM]: damn it Thadman34 [3:24 AM]: i forgot Thadman34 [3:24 AM]: lol ___________________________Thadman34 [3:29 AM]: i know my question now CholericCadence9 [3:29 AM]: ok CholericCadence9 [3:29 AM]: ask away Thadman34 [3:29 AM]: ask what Thadman34 [3:29 AM]: oh that question CholericCadence9 [3:29 AM]: Thadman34 [3:29 AM]: i know my question now Thadman34 [3:30 AM]: uhhhhhh Thadman34 [3:30 AM]: dang Thadman34 [3:30 AM]: oh well CholericCadence9 [3:30 AM]: you forgot again didn't you? Thadman34 [3:31 AM]: well actually yes and no CholericCadence9 [3:31 AM]: ok, whatever ________________________________Thadman34 [3:46 AM]: crystal Thadman34 [3:47 AM]: i have a question CholericCadence9 [3:47 AM]: yes? that's my name....well, my given name....ok, sounds kinda serious.... Thadman34 [3:47 AM]: its not that serious CholericCadence9 [3:47 AM]: ok Thadman34 [3:48 AM]: would u get mad if i went to bed now?? i mean u r bored and all so well u know CholericCadence9 [3:48 AM]: i don't care... CholericCadence9 [3:48 AM]: I'm not controlling your actions CholericCadence9 [3:48 AM]: but did you ever figure out the question you wanted to ask me? Thadman34 [3:49 AM]: actually well you do have the controller right now Thadman34 [3:49 AM]: no CholericCadence9 [3:49 AM]: before that? no I don't CholericCadence9 [3:49 AM]: ok Thadman34 [3:49 AM]: right now u do CholericCadence9 [3:49 AM]: no I don't Thadman34 [3:49 AM]: yes u do CholericCadence9 [3:49 AM]: no I don't CholericCadence9 [3:50 AM]: I'm not arguing about this Thadman34 [3:50 AM]: to a limited point YES YOU DO Thadman34 [3:50 AM]: ok then i win CholericCadence9 [3:50 AM]: no I don't Thadman34 [3:50 AM]: good deal Thadman34 [3:50 AM]: lol CholericCadence9 [3:50 AM]: I dont' have control....I'm not telling you what to do Thadman34 [3:50 AM]: ok ok CholericCadence9 [3:50 AM]: And even if I did, you wouldn't listen, you never do Thadman34 [3:50 AM]: yes i would and yes i do CholericCadence9 [3:50 AM]: no Thadman34 [3:51 AM]: not always but i do CholericCadence9 [3:51 AM]: I have things I could say to that, but I'm not going to say them because I don't want to get into a big argument/talk/fight/anything else.... Thadman34 [3:52 AM]: ok Thadman34 [3:52 AM]: thanks Thadman34 [3:52 AM]: your the only person that would say that well that i know anyhow Thadman34 [3:52 AM]: all the others would argue CholericCadence9 [3:52 AM]: I hate fighting.... CholericCadence9 [3:53 AM]: I always have... Thadman34 [3:53 AM]: so thank you CholericCadence9 [3:53 AM]: confrontation sucks Thadman34 [3:53 AM]: i know Thadman34 [3:53 AM]: ok since i can barely see now im gonna go to bed ok CholericCadence9 [3:53 AM]: ok Thadman34 [3:54 AM]: good bye and good night CholericCadence9 [3:54 AM]: night _________________________________Thadman34 [3:56 AM]: yeah Thadman34 [3:56 AM]: well CholericCadence9 [3:57 AM]: you should be getting offline now... Thadman34 [3:57 AM]: goodnight Crystal Nichole Roberts CholericCadence9 [3:57 AM]: why my full name? Thadman34 [3:57 AM]: i donno CholericCadence9 [3:58 AM]: ok, w.e., talk to ya....uh...whenever Thadman34 [3:58 AM]: damn it CholericCadence9 [3:58 AM]: what? Thadman34 [3:58 AM]: i just realized something CholericCadence9 [3:58 AM]: what? Thadman34 [3:58 AM]: im an idiot Thadman34 [3:58 AM]: lol CholericCadence9 [3:58 AM]: well, yea, i know that Thadman34 [3:58 AM]: lol Thadman34 [3:58 AM]: dont we all CholericCadence9 [3:58 AM]: so, what's new? Thadman34 [3:58 AM]: nothing CholericCadence9 [3:59 AM]: ok CholericCadence9 [3:59 AM]: whatever you say Thadman34 [3:59 AM]: i dont wanna talk about it Thadman34 [3:59 AM]: sorry CholericCadence9 [3:59 AM]: ok Thadman34 [3:59 AM]: GOOD NIGHT CRYSTAL CholericCadence9 [3:59 AM]: g'night _______________________________He drives me friggin' crazy. I over-analyze everything. I know, and I need to stop, especially when it comes to him. I don't want to let him drive me crazy, but we all know that I have that stupid little habit of letting people get to me. I need to find a cure for that. But why does it take you three or four times saying goodbye before you get offline??And the question? All I got out of him was:Thadman34 [3:31 AM]: u know it well what it is about but dont know how to ask it CholericCadence9 [3:31 AM]: ok...i don't really know what it's about... I really have no clue what it was about. No clue whatsoever! And I didn't push the subject, because as much as I want to know what it is, I don't want to change how things are now. I mean, sure I'm freaking out over every little thing that we talk about, but at least now I can partially deny that anything is going on between us. And I can also hold onto the fact that the little things that he says and does proves that he's still hooked on me. But I've not got a thing to do with it. Nothing at all. But I still want to know what I supposedly know. I don't know a whole lot, you know? I'm pretty stupid. I think this situation proves that. But am I reading too much into this?? I miss talking to him. Online is the only way I can talk to him. I mean, he was one of my best friends for two years before all this crap started. Now I miss that. That's exactly what I was afraid of in the beginning. Losing our friendship. And I told him. And he said, "There was only one of my ex girlfriends that I'm not best friends with, and we're not that bad of friends." And I knew I couldn't do that. In the beginning, I knew that if he did anything to hurt me, I'd never be able to completely forgive him, or trust him again. Never. And I don't think I will. Because I cared so much about him. When I was with him, the rest of the world was gone. It was like Lena blew up the rest of the world, and it was just us two. Standing on that little plot of land. Hell, when we would kiss, the world could've ended, and I would've never known it. I lost all senses when I was in contact--any kind of contact--with him. I miss that. I want a new guy that I can get lost in. Just someone I can make out with for a few hours a week. I'd be happy.