and the watergates open...

i know it hasn't been that long since i wrote...what like, 5 minutes, but it's started...They're leaving me...it's all over. I don't want it to end...I depend on Kasey and Hinkle...I don't have that many people I can really DEPEND on...i mean, i have friends, but none that are sympathetic to me...most look at me like i'm stupid or tell me that i'm stupid...now they're leaving like josh, just like serafin, and i'll never see them again, or they'll be like my brothers and i'll only see them when something really important has happened in their life, and they won't care what's happened in mine...i'll never see any of them and i don't think i can do this next year too...i mean, i've known tira, hinkle, kasey, and chrissy since forever, but they're are so many more that i'll never get a chance to really know, cuz i just started to talk to them this year: Micah for example...i mean, i know him pretty well, but i know that we could be so much better friends...I'd like to get to know Cade, CJ, Daphne, Micheal, Cobb, all of them, but now i can't and there's really no use...I don't want to be a senior...I need Kasey in band, and I need hinkle to make me feel not so ditzy and i don't think our little group will hold together very tightly without the seniors...I think kasey is the only reason we're not split down the middle and hating each other...I don't think i'll be eating w/ bre and kida and goose next year, cuz i don't really know them all that well anymore...i never really knew goose, kida only talks to me when she wants something and bre only talks to me when she wants someone to boss around...i don't think next year will be as good as this year...no, correction: I KNOW next year will NOT be anywhere NEAR as good as this year, cuz my classes suck, my friends will be gone, no one will care, and it'll be right back to 9th grade, depression and HATRED of all...I HATE DUVAL! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! i don't want to ever go back! NEVER EVER EVER! it's never going to be the same without the seniors, no matter how much i hate most of them, they have to be there for me to consider it to be DUVAL! and they won't be...Josh, Josh, Josh, Brandon, Brandon, Brooke, Crystal, Michelle, Ashley, Thomas, Matt, all of them make a big difference in my learning enviroment, and I HAVE TO HAVE THEM THERE! right now, josh's picture is on my computer desk in it's neat little frame and it's just making the tears come faster. His beautiful big blue eyes, his pouty lips, his wonderfully styled blond hair, the plaid shirt, oh, he's so much of my life, no matter how much i want to admit it...I don't want to say that I'm in love with him, cuz carrie told me once, it takes two to be in love, but only one to love...I think i love him, but i'm not letting myself sink back into that total obsession that i had in the lower grades, I just couldn't do that to myself...the depressions I would go into when i didn't see him, crying over him every single night, I can't let myself do that again, never again, especially when i know I'll never see him again, and even if i did, i wouldn't have a chance with him...he likes girls with blond hair and big boobs...and that is NOT me...Nobody likes the redhead goodygoody...I don't wanna be the redhead goody goody anymore....I don't want to be like kida either, though...I don't want to be me...I want to start it all over, go back to the 7th grade...I wish I had then what i have now, even if it's still not much...I have only a bit more confidence now, but it would be enough to change a lot...I would be a lot higher in the hierarchy of the high school kingdom if i had had the confidence and bravery that i have now...I wish I never went to school here...It would make my life so much easier not to know the josh's and to not know...well, basically, any of these people...none of them really care....they only care about themselves, i'm not important enough to hold anyones attention for more than five minutes....especially not josh or jd's or even terrance or john...what's the use? I tell myself that I don't care, that they're not important, but seriously, how long can I lie to myself about that?I can't wait til UB. The Performing arts class makes me feel so wonderful, y'know, being on stage as someone else, turning into someone else completely...being that babysitter who is pretty enough to get the guy...being the druggy who's not such a total goodygoody that they won't do something to make herself feel better...well, i need to go indulge myself in a fanfiction about someone else's fucked up lives in order to take my mind off of mine and keep out of the reality world for a while...i can't stay there for very long at a time without searching for an overdose....