Gr, I hate my luck!

ok, first, I got back Sunday after noon from Florida, fun, fun, lemme tell ya! ok, I hate Thaddeus even more right now than I ever have, which is kinda hard to imagine, considering....but at least back then he hadn't told me that he had fallen in love with me....maybe I should just post my blurty in here...yea, that's a good idea....i think i'll do that....Ok, I wrote this Tuesday:****************Since I was little (well, I still am, but y'know what I mean) my biggest dream/fantasy has been to have my first "I love you" and/or my first kiss at Disney World. Well, my dream has come true! It was quite a trip to Florida, this past week was. It was a week of firsts, and a week of well....wow, it was just a wow week! I left last week with no guy, no crushes, no past romances, nothing....i came back with my first kiss, a wonderful guy who has told me he loves me, a perfect life, and everything i've ever wanted.....First of all, as all my friends should know, I spent last week in Florida with my Upward Bound friends. We were going to visit most of Disney, plus cocoa beach and a few malls....I figured it would be fun to be with my friends and get to see mickey, but nothing out of the ordinary would happen. Big Event One: Bus air conditioner breaks down in Georgia, at 8 o'clock in the morning, exactly 12 hours after we set out on our "adventure." Bus 2 and 1 have NO COOL AIR! we eat at a mcdonalds while they attempt to fix both buses in a garage next door. Two hours later, bus 2, my bus, has air, but not bus 1, thaddeus, elisha, april, etc.'s bus...so we continue, them with no air, all the way to florida. When we arrive (about 3, 4 o'clock that day) we change to go eat. By one that morning, our 5 person room has downsized to 3 people. April moved to Elisha and Nicole's room, and Carrie moved out due to...ahem, disagreements about an event of the previous week....no need to indulge in details of *that*...Big Event Two: A Dance club called "The Groove"....WOW! I WANNA GO TO ANOTHER DANCE CLUB!!!!! the flashing lights, the crowded dance floor, the millions of guys!!!WOWOWOWOWOW! and i ended up dancing with thaddeus and matt the entire time....well, and the drunk guy that found me like, 5 times, but we shan't count him cuz he was drunk...by the end of the night, i had started to feel too much for a certain drummer and was again angry with myself, as this has happened many times before. I concluded that I needed to stay away from him for a few minutes, so when he put his arm around me, I told him not to touch me. I was rude, I'll admit that, but it was just to keep me from falling too fast. I couldn't help it....he told me to call him that night and left.Big Event Three: I did call that night. He asked me to tell him what was wrong and why I looked so sad when we were leaving. I told him i couldn't tell him. He asked if i'd tell him what was wrong if he told me what was wrong with him. I said i'd think about it, but it was doubtful....he started to tell me....he said something like "Here's the first two words, it's a seven word phrase." The first two words were "I Accidentally" and there were 5 words left. Ricco started yelling "She didn't call you to play figure it out, thaddeus!" and i said, "No, I didn't, for once the jerk is right. Now, tell me or I'm hanging up." And he said "I can't tell you tonight, there's too many guys sittin' here." So we got off the phone and I went to sleep. Stupid me thought it had something to do with his crush on april, but yea, stupid me!Big Event FOUR: On the bus the next day, which happened to be occupied by both bus 1 and 2, i began to think of possibilities. Suddenly the possibility of "I accidentally FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU" popped into my head. Well, I popped it back out, telling myself there was no way, and that i was stupid. Yea. When we got off the bus and started walking into the Magical Kingdom, he told what the remaining 5 words were. And I had been right. And he said "Can you tell me what was wrong with you now?" and I said "The same thing."So what next? What can be bigger than that? What exactly could be bigger than being told by someone that they love you in disney world--the magical kingdom to be exact?? well, just read on, my friends......Big Event FIVE!: The day we packed our stuff and moved out of our hotel, Ms. Cary decided we should go to Universal Studios. Then we found out we had a choice between Universal and Islands of Adventure. So Thaddeus, me, Nicole, BreAnna, jeremy, thaddeus, april, elisha, and a few others decided to go to Islands. On the walk over, April got mad cuz as hard as she was trying to keep me away from thaddeus, I just wasn't having it. She got angry and went to Universal. I got a little happier and we got in line for the Hulk. Fun ride, i'm tellin' ya. Whenever ya got a corkskrew inside a loop, it's a blast....especially when you've just rode you're first loop ride the week before. And you're "friend" drags you into the line for the front. Anyway, while we were in line *for an hour and a half* thaddeus kept having to push me away because he was too tempted to kiss me. About 15 minutes before we got on the ride, I asked him, "Exactly how much do you really want to kiss me?" and his answer was "too much." Not much happened for a while. After the ride, we went to eat. Fun with whipped cream.....anyway, after eating, we went to Jarassic Park. We (being me, Jessi, Nysha, Deanna, and Nicole) started playing in a playground...with little kids.... We started walking around and we found a cave. I said "look, thaddeus, a dark place with lots of corners." he replied, "That I can not be alone with you in." and refused to go into the cave. We played in the giant net thingy that i didn't like. Thaddeus and I got seperated from everyone else....We found them pretty quick, though. Deanna was playing in a little thing that squirted water up at you. I stood beside a little hole and it spit at me. Nysha dragged me down to a thing where there were people at the top and people at the bottom and 4 things on either side that squirted water at people. Thaddeus dragged me in and a cute guy with muscles squirted me with water while thaddeus held me in place. Interesting how no one helped me. Thaddeus tried to drag Nysha in, but she fell on her bad knee and it started swelling. We left (after everyone got soaked, especially me) and started walking to another cave. I should mention that when thaddeus and I got seperated from everyone else, he asked me if I really did want to go in a cave with him. He also said by answering that, I'd be answering 2 quesitons. I said yes. But when we got to the cave, Nysha was angry with thaddeus and she began chasing him. Into the cave they went. Up the little block things, all the way to the top. Jessi and I sat there, awaiting the return of our other 4 people. A few minutes later, a very terrified thaddeus jumped up the blocks again and Nysha came through, but instead of following, she yelled up, "I'm going to the bathroom, but I'll be back!" So, Nysha, Deanna, Nicole, and Jessi left. I said I'd wait there. Thaddeus came back through and started to jump back up the blocks, but I told him they had left. I believe that all my friends can imagine what happened next. We went into another part of the cave exploring, and found that that cave had a lot of little kids. We were sitting in a little tunnel thing and just talking. He asked if i would feel too guilty if he kissed me. I told him no. He came around to my side of the tunnel and stood in front of me. He asked if I was sure I wanted to do this. I said, "If I didn't, would I be sitting in the dark cave with you, dork?" He sat down beside me and leaned in. He kissed once, kissed twice, stopped. I just smiled. I really can't remember what was said for a few minutes after that. I felt like I was floating. A few minutes later, I decided Nicole and our group had been gone too long and we were still alone in a cave. What would someone think we were doing if they found us???? so, we went to find them. When we couldn't we joined another group. We split off from that group soon after with Matt. Elisha joined us on the way to the entrance so we could leave. I took pictures of "The Groove" while we waited on everyone else. I also told Elisha, Nicole, Carrie, and April, even though I told April she DID NOT want to know, but she insisted, so now she's mad at both of us. I could care less, but Thaddeus is upset about it. On the way back to the bus at Cocoa Beach a few hours later, he said "Everyone is going to be so mad at me. James is mad because you're four years older than me, my mom and dad will be mad, monica will be mad, mark will be mad, just everyone's going to be so pissed." And I got mad and speed up after saying "Yea, everything is my fault, I'm just a horrible person!" He pulled me back to him and said "But I'm not regretting any of it. Let them be mad. I don't care." Before getting off the bus at Cocoa Beach, he put his wallet, watch, and my bracelet he broke (guess what kind--it's plastic and silver and guys enjoy breaking them...) up in the overhead compartment above me. When I got back on the bus, I got his stuff, cuz his bus had came and picked all them up. I wrote him a sweet little note saying I had his watch, his wallet, my bracelet, and his necklace and I was holding them ransom. I gave it to him when we got off to eat at Wendy's. After we ate, being to of the first to get done, he ran to my bus and started looking for everything in the overhead. Unfortunatley for him, everything was in my hand. He started begging me to at least give him his watch. I asked what I would get if I did. He leaned in and said "Something you got twice already today." I looked at him and said "There's too many people around and you don't want everyone to know." When I said that, I looked around and noticed that the ten or twenty people on the bus a few minutes before had cleared out and now there was 5. Me, Nicole, Thaddeus, Elizabeth, and Russell. The last two, being a couple, were engrossed in each other and nicole already knew. He sat in the seat in front of me and pulled me to the place where those two seats seperate and, while nicole was beside me saying "Ew, i can't believe you, omG!" he kissed me again, then looked at me and said "do you know how hard it is just to kiss you once?" I told him to get off the bus. That was one of the last times I talked to him during the trip. I miss him right now. ARGH! If he was just a year older, I wouldn't be so worried, but the illegality of the situation is just too much. I mean, i know nothing that could be considered statutory rape will happen, but still....if rumors get started, which i know they will.....and then there's monica and april..... ********************and this today:******************ok, i was dilusional. I was stupid, you all don't have to tell me that. I shouldn't have let my heart get in the way of my brain, again and again and again. I keep doing that and I really need to stop. I shouldn't have forgotten this past year while I was in a cave in an amusement park. I shouldn't have listened to the little idiot when he told me he had fallen in love with me. If I did listen, I should've lied about the way I felt. That way, none of this would hurt as much when the realization of EVERY THING being wrong with this situation hit me. But stupid me, i let all of that happen and now, I've been crying my eyes out and I feel like the stupidest person in the world. BTW: no one tell thaddeus my name on here, cuz I don't want him to read any of this. He knows I have a blurty journal, so he'll be asking. He called this morning--well, not this morning, but it still woke me up.... First time I've talked to him since breakfast on Sunday. He said he "thinx he's going to tell Monica just because they're already falling apart" and because he "told Mark to make him jealous and now Mark's going to tell if he doesn't." He's making me mad. VERY MAD! He kept talking about Monica when he knows I don't want to hear about Monica. He knows I have a concious that makes me feel very guilty at the least little thing and yet, he keeps talking and I keep telling him to stop, but it doesn't work, does it? And Cook forgot to send me the letter telling me about band practice (again). See, he forgot last year, too. I'm starting to think, since mine is the only letter he ever forgets, that he just doesn't want me to be in band. So, it's partially a good thing the little jerk called me this afternoon. I had practice Monday, but y'know, didn't know 'bout it. I have practice tomorrow, to help the little kids, and I have practice Friday, for everyone. I don't want to go cuz I don't want to see the little dork, but I do want to go cuz I do want to see him. I don't know, I'm mad, but I can't help it, but..... AUGH! GR! ANGRY! THROWING STUFF AROUND ROOM! SCREAMING! shoot, I get mad too easily....now I think I'm going to go cry..... ********************************and I'm so mad still, even though he called at 4 and it's now 8....and i don't think it's going to get much better b4 tomorrow when I have to see him....and...he....and...i'm pouty and that's never good.....