i ...

i don't know what's going on with me....a) right after the last time i wrote, i quit majorettes. completely and totally quit. that was like, what a month ago? our sponser/instructor just found out and now i'm back on the squad. b) brandon farmer is gone...he quit school and is going to boot camp. i mean, i don't really care, but y'no my life is like boring w/o him to make selbe's life pure hell.....c) i don't care about the 7th grade guys ne more...they're just some of my best friends, which is good, cuz i don't have many ne more.d)josh....just...josh...i can't believe i'm letting myself do this again. it's just....i still miss him...i don't know what he's doing or where he's at, i don't know if he's dead or in jail or out on the street somewhere....but it's been 14 months and i really really miss him so much more now than i did. i don't no y...i was supposed to be over him. i was supposed to forget about him....but diana has been talking about ricky so much, and i don't know why but ricky and diana just make me think of josh....and i started crying today in 4th....i tried to forget about it, but i gave up around 6th pd.i cried for an hour and a half after school. i tried to stop, but i couldn't....a few minutes ago i got on forward garden and started to look at quotes....they all remind me of josh...so i started crying....and i don't know...i just wanted to go to the kitchen and get a knife....i kno i would never do something like that, but i could feel it going straight thru my arm and just everything leaving, no more pain...no more emotion...i'm already dead inside of me....i was dead 14 months ago....my life was over so long ago...but, y'know, my deal right now is fuck the world....nothing matters and i don't give a damn.Crystal Nichole(kurisutaru)I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care,I'm not supposed to live my life,wishing you were there,im not supposed to wonder,where you are & what you do,I'm sorry I cant help myself..im in love with you