but.....

ok, i'm sitting here, trying to figure out what to do tomorrow, y'know, about him....i don't wanna talk to him, cuz it'll hurt to much....the tears are on my cheeks right now, but i know they'll come back cuz they always do....I want to ask him if he's telling the truth when he tells me he loves me. I want to know what he really feels, cuz I don't think it's love, or he wouldn't make me hurt so much. He knows I really care about him, but it still doesn't seem to penetrate that hard head of his that I don't want to hear about *~Monica~*...I don't want to know about that skanky brat--unless he's telling me that he's broken up with her.I want to let him know that if he's not breaking up with her, then we need to cool it down, but he'll think it's only bcuz of her and it's not. It's cuz it's hurting me, really bad. I mean, to be crying over this, after not crying over my great aunt dying, it has to be serious. I don't want to cry. I shouldn't have believed anything that he said. He's A LIAR! A CHEAT! A JERK! I HATE HIM! I DO!...but i don't and that's where the "I hate myself" comes in. I'm ugly and stupid and skanky and idiotic, and every other insult that I can't think of right now cuz I'm too upset to think. I wanna just take a bottle and beat him over the head with it, then just collapse in his arms crying. I just.....i just hate this....